


Equus S.A. Karl - or - It's weird how I love you

by Cyberrr



Category: Stray Kids (Band), TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band), TXT - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Choi Beomgyu Being A Little Shit, Choi Soobin Is Bad At Feelings, Choi Soobin-Centric, Choi Yeonjun Is Bad At Feelings, Cute Huening Kai, Fluff and Angst, High School, Huening Kai Is Bad At Feelings, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Choi Soobin, Soulmates, Strangers to Lovers, Underage - Freeform, Whipped Choi Soobin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:22:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberrr/pseuds/Cyberrr
Summary: The Soulmate au drabble where Soobin promises Kai that he'll find him again. And maybe he does.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

Soobin clutched the strands of fabric that seemed to glide between the cracks in his fingers, silk-smooth and glossy while he dug his nails into the tiny strands that bound the fabric together, willing it to stay, but alas it was drifting despite the grip he held onto it, desperate to keep it grounded. 

" You’re not leaving right!? you wouldn't leave me like this right?! " Soobin called into the depth, a vacuumed silence ricochets right back at him until the loop of his cries became almost deafening to himself.

Tears streaked his cheeks, blurring what was left of his already failing sight. He commends his choice of crying himself to the point of weakness, the voices of apology reprimanding his mind as his arms grew weak. 

" Soobinnie ", a voice much more stable in comparison to his own calmed his quivering worries. The situation becoming minuscule crumbs in his hands because the one he had been protecting sounded ok.

fine and safe.

It allowed him to slump his shoulders, accepting the inevitable. 

" I'm not leaving you. I would never abandon you. You know that. " The boy started, his words brittle and his touches faint. 

" But you're fading aren't you? '' Soobin sobbed, running his hands through the boy's hair, crooked fingers gliding through matted clumps. The boy laughed, eyes curving upwards as he placed his hands on Soobin’s face, bringing him closer. Soobin sighed, his breath seeming to tickle the other’s lips as he tucked them between his teeth. 

" Do you remember what you told me in the forest next to the temple fountain? " Huening Kai whispered, tilting his head to the side as Soobin rubbed the pad of his fingers into Kai's scalp, a habit he had learned over the years that Kai enjoyed most.

Soobin nods, a bit confused with why the memory was so important now of all times. It was a reoccurring thing, to bring books from the village to Kai's temple to read the many folklore and fantasies writers of tarnished status had conjured up. Their writings drew things for Kai that Soobin could only wish to. Chapels, and knights, and even dragons that curled around fireplaces because it reminded them of home when they went on their own little journies. A vivid imagination Kai had, to be given the ability to yonder over the created imagines, blabbering about his spins on what the creatures and humans would do next before promptly scolding Soobin to turn the pages as if he hadn't lost himself in Kai's dreams as well. 

" One day, you brought a different book. A book your father bought you in hopes of planting the seed of a dream that you knew would only grow towards the sun, sprouting wonderful shade that you would proudly walk past... " Kai said. 

Another thing Kai had, was the talent to turn simple meanings into the ink of poems, winding and longing with interpretations Soobin could take his time to unravel. 

" Yes, I do. " Soobin whispered. At this point, their heads had seemed to drift together, foreheads leaning on one another, with Kai's longer nose tickling the end of Soobins slightly shorter one. 

" Matter cannot be created, nor destroyed. " Huening Kai says, much too logical to deter the fact that Kai felt a bit lighter than previously, the heavyweight against his forehead losing its ground. 

" It simply changes. You were never one for science but don't you believe that's true in a way? " Kai continues, pressing light kisses to the bow of Soobins lips. Soobin hums, closing his eyes to the feeling. Kai continues, 

" So even if I am fading, I'm not truly gone aren't I? " 

Soobin chokes at this, all sense of calm draining out of his soul and leaving him empty and cold. his fingers dug more deeply into the other’s hair, as if he held on tighter, there'd be no chance of the boy from slipping under his fingers. 

" No, it's not the same! " Soobin cried back, pulling Kai's head forward and smashing his lips against his. His lips were turned downwards, running his mouth on top of Kai's over and over to savor the feeling. Huening Kai simply smiled into the kiss, slipping his arms around Soobins waist and pulling him in closer until they simply melded into the one-sided embrace. 

" You aren't something that can simply change states, because you are Huening Kai! A human! And you should stay as is! " Soobin mumbled sloppily, his words suffocated as Kai had chosen that moment to open his mouth, locking his lips with the other.

" I don't want you to change Huening " Soobin whispered, sliding his hands forward so that instead, it cupped Kai's thin cheeks. 

" Can you promise me something Soobin? " 

Soobin hadn't realized how much Kai was holding back until his voice seemed to crack, the seriousness of the situation becoming a reality. 

" You've probably noticed, but I'm scared. " The other laughs, his voice a lot more breathy, like it took actual cells out of him to speak. 

Soobin only nodded, understanding. 

" I’m really-- " Kai hesitates, inhaling slowly. his arms fall slack, Kai moving to lay them on Soobins thighs instead because for some reason, it also took energy out of him to even hold them up. 

" I don't want to leave. " 

“ I know, I know, " Soobin murmurs. 

" Thoughts run around my head a mile per minute. I'm afraid you won't take care of yourself when I'm gone. What if you get hurt? what if you forget to eat? Would you be lonely while I'm away? Maybe you'll get frustrated because no one knew you as I did. That type of stuff. It leaves me anxious. It makes me want to beg the universe to let me stay a bit longer until we come to this point once more and I'm begging for an extended deadline. But I know if I did that, I'd become immortal, and that's quite impossible, unfortunately. Another thing that scares me is the thought of not being able to find you in my next life. How long would I have to wait till I get to see your smile once more? Or cradle you in my arms until I'm weak again? Those types of things. Things that everyone might think about. " 

Soobin is phasing in and out of reality, cringing at how vulnerable he must seem in front of Kai. He would take the moment to criticize his lack of response to Kai’s plunge of confessions, but he can only bring himself to nuzzle into his cheek, all signs of warmth no longer there. 

" So...promise me something alright? " Kai whispered, the wet notes finally coming to the surface and breaking into an open sea that rain dribbled effortlessly upon. 

" When I'm gone, and the universe has relapsed on itself once more, won't you come find me again? I'm not sure what type of predicament we will find ourselves in, or if I'll lose everything about myself and find it once more, scattered and a bit more ruined then how it was previously, but promise that you'll be ok with who I become in my next life. That you'll accept it. And you'll find me once more. That we'll find one another, and we will continue this ritual for eons. " Kai finishes, content with his vomit of words and thoughts that had been pinned to his mind the moment the world began to fall around him. It's almost comical how quickly Kai's demeanor changes, because at this moment he feels nothing but content, a little sad with how Soobins features were twisted so painfully. 

" Of course. I Promise Kai! I promise! I-- I would do anything for you Kai! '' Soobin screams at the boy, his mouth numb and his tongue lax as he forces it to move. His heart is thrumming in his ears, overlapping and turning Huening Kai's laughs and weak cheers into a wave too quiet to hear. 

" I can only imagine you've said the same thing to me in our other lives. For all I know, this could be the millionth time you've promised me this. " 

" Good Job Soobinnie. For keeping our promise. I'm proud of you for that. " Huening Kai whispers, finally letting himself fall back. As quick as he does this, Soobin reaches out, trying his best to grab onto the sleeves of Kai's hanbok but as soon as his fingers grace the fine clothing, Kai disappears in his hold, an array of monochromatic butterflies, so simple yet so distinct in a way that no other design manor their being. They float around Soobin, flittering away from the scene as Soobin holds onto the navy blue silk, mouth frozen in agape and eyes wide in shock of what used to be there. 

Kai said matter cannot simply be created or destroyed. Only exchanged or transformed. For all he knew, Kai could have been changed into the energy that pumps his heart, or maybe into a gas of air, drying his eyes. Maybe into the many butterflies that had now flown into the corners of this black universe they had crafted for each other. Together. He'll live the rest of his life, reminding him every day about who Kai was. He wouldn't want to forget in his next life of course. He couldn't afford that.


	2. Korea- 1963

" Soobin, Soobin! Yah wake up! “

“ I swear if you don’t wake up I'm taking your pencil. The orange one too. " 

At this, Soobin suddenly shoots up, snatching the orange pencil out of Yeonjun’s hands. 

“ Yah! Don’t mess with me you ass! “ 

Soobin barked, scowling at the taller male. He was being loud, and overly assertive, he knows that better than anyone, and the judging looks he gets from his classmates are quick to prove his point. He quickly tucks the pencil into his backpack that hooked lazily over the back of his chair. After safely securing his pencil from the terror known as Choi Yeonjun, he slouched back forward, his hand propped up under his chin while the other lay idly on the rest of his desk. 

Highschool. A formidable ground which is just one big scam to see how well you fit into society, constantly surrounded by people who are observing your every move. Well, unless you were Choi Soobin who had dedicated the long hours of sitting in wooden chairs to sleep. 

Yeonjun only smirked, nodding his head to himself before turning around in his seat, continuing his conversation with one of the students in front of him.  
He honestly questions Yeonjun. He doesn't seem very goal-oriented yet at the same time, he performs things with a purpose. In this case, waking the black-haired boy up from his nap only to simply ignore him, his back to Soobins face. 

But maybe Yeonjun was a super genius. A mind reader who knew everything because he would be lying if he said he didn't need that silent minute to recollect his thoughts. Perhaps he knew that Soobin felt the most lethargic after the 35-minute break which consisted mostly of napping lazily against the wooden table while the foxy student watched over his stuff, chatting it up with a few students from the other classes.  
If that was the case, Soobin could consider him anything but an annoyance.

Could, being the keyword. 

Chatter and laughter buzzed around him, his ears picking up on the light conversations of a few girls only a table or so away. It seemed they were complaining about the summer skirts once again and how the cotton made them sweaty underneath. Soobin couldn't help but gaze at one of the girl's long legs, pale and smooth, hidden under the skirt. 

He didn't feel anything. Which wasn’t odd. To him at least. 

He briskly looked away, now uninterested with it. Instead, he took to finally acknowledging Yeonjun who had fallen silent to instead rearrange the stacks of books. If he hadn't felt tired still, he would have started preparing as well, but the lull of sleep and laze was a persuading one. It seemed the other’s had picked up on the memo as well, classmates starting to wrap up their conversations and moving in waves towards their own seats. 

As if on cue, the paper sliding door to the far right slammed open, a tall brunette haired man with obnoxiously round glasses perched on the bridge of his nose appearing in its midst. Tucked away in his arm was a large book of some sort, a long ruler in his other hand tapping away at the dark green chalkboard as he made his way to the pedestal, center of the room.

" Good morning class. " He had announced, commencing the start of a new period.

Yeonjun slid into his seat, bowing slightly like the other students before echoing a similar greeting back to the teacher. Soobin followed, a bit delayed.

" I'm glad everyone's awake and well this morning! Of course, as per usual, we will be continuing the unit of Korea in the first republic. I would like to discuss how things have changed since the third Republic and how it impacts us as oncoming adults so It would be much appreciated if you all began thinking about responses to this. Before we delve further into this subject we have a bit of change into our plan. A new student will be joining our classroom today. " 

Soobin raised an eyebrow, interested in the change of pace but not too much to begin chatting about it. It took an effort to impress or surprise Soobin, he would admit. He convinced himself he was too laid back of a guy to react to things like this, sporting his nonchalant attitude that he knew had people wanting more. Yeonjun on the other hand immediately turned around in his seat, arm hooked over the back of his chair as he gave Soobin a wolfish grin. Silent communication was a personal thing he and Soobin had been able to develop, and from what Soobin could infer, Yeonjun was interested. Whether it be about the new student or the fact that class would be delayed a little more was for Soobin to guess along the way. 

Soobin hummed, offering Yeonjun a tiny smile as he turned his head, eyeing the door. It was something new. A new student who transferred halfway into the year. A person would be crazy to risk something like that. Soobin shook his head, imagining all the work the newbie would have to catch up on. 

As the teacher had offered, A boy walked through the open entranceway, a canvas messenger bag slung around his shoulders with the buttons of his uniform sloppily put together. One side of his button-up hung outside of his dress pants, the laces to his white shoes untied and dragging across the floor as he shuffled next to the teacher’s podium, looking out into the classroom with a shy expression. Soobin knew that stance all too familiarly. He was caving in on himself, hands playing with the strap of his bag, a constant looping and unlooping sequence that Soobin fell in tune with as well. Loop. Unloop. Loop. Unloop. Loop. Tug. Tug. Loop some more. Unloop. He was pretty inconsistent with his fiddlings Soobin had noticed. The classroom's chatter had picked up once more, the name 'new student' becoming a constant topic in these small conversations. Even Yeonjun had partaken in it. Chuckling and poking at the surrounding boys and girl’s shoulders to hear their opinions on the new one. Soobin was left alone to his observations, studying the new boy’s facial features. 

Sharp nose, not flat or big like his own or Yeonjun’s. 

His face was small, bones jutting into a position that easily defined his face even though pockets of baby fat still stuck to his cheeks, making it plump and out Standish against the rest of his face. 

His eyes curved upwards, smaller and thinner than his own as well. Upon closer realization, he could see the dips and folds on top of the boy's eyes, a triple eyelid fold. Now that was unique. There was no monolid like he was used to. The detail threw off the entire look of the new boy’s face, making him seem a bit more foreign. It was weird considering the boy was oh so pale. Not a slightly tan color like Taehyun or Beomgyu. Pale, like European descent. 

Soobin found himself unconsciously swiping a thumb over his cheek as he stared, perplexed yet admonished at his findings. Last was his hair. A mop of brown cut short but just long enough to curl over his eyebrows, successfully hiding it. Even with that, he was sure the boy's brows were screwed upwards, folds between his eyes making him seem somewhat worried about his situation. Who is he kidding, He knows he'd be in the same situation. 

He snaps out of his daze, blinking rapidly in hopes of refocusing until he feels a pair of eyes burn into his. He's not sure how he hasn't noticed till now but when he looks into the newcomer’s eyes, he's met with the same line of sight, exchanging glances that have him wanting to pull away. Pretend he hadn't been checking the other out, but he can't seem to. 

He is attracted to the idea of continuing their little contest. 

He feels a little bit flustered at most, never being the one to be friendly towards eye contact, but when he sees the other relax, the folds in between his eyes smoothing over and his blinks becoming a bit slower, lazy enough to notice the way the boy’s eyelashes touch his cheeks, (much longer than what was normal for Koreans) he finds himself completely at ease with this person. 

Unfortunately, the moment is ruined as he is torn away from his admissions, the hand of what was only to be described as a bastard slapping his cheek. Hard enough to leave it stinging a bit but light enough to not show any shadow of what he has done. Soobin yelps, jumping in his seat as he turns his head back towards Yeonjun, mouth open in shock with his eyes blown wide enough to depict his pure offense. It’s comical in the way he stares at Yeonjun in disbelief, the other boy snickering loudly as his hand hovers mid-air.   
Soobin has half the mind to start stuttering curses, tripping over himself to grab at Yeonjuns collar and threaten him with the destruction of all his personal belongings but instead, he quickly looks back to the new student, apologetic that their little staring contest had come to a disappointing end. Much to his surprise, the new boy hadn't returned to his awkward position, instead, a big smile spread on his face, his eyes disappearing as he laughed to himself. Soobin couldn't help but stare again, enamored by the happy sight.

His hand rubbed at the sore spot on his cheek but for some reason, he felt no sting, only a cramp that started in his cheeks after he unconsciously began to smile along with him. If Yeonjun was giving him a weird look, confused about why the other seemed so happy after being hit then Soobin doesn't comment, focused solely on how the teacher began quieting the class with the tapping of his ruler against the podium. the mass obliged, facing towards the front of the room to make way for whatever the teacher was to say next. 

" Settle down everyone, please. I know you're excited for a new friend to interrogate the moment I leave class but lets at least let our guest introduce himself. " The teacher stretched out a hand, leaving the new boy room to speak as well. 

The boy bowed down at a ninety-degree angle, the room chucking softly at how polite he was being. A few students in the back even clapped, a pink storm erupting on the new students’ face. He clasped his hands together in front of him before raising himself. 

" H-Hi everyone! " The boy announced, nervously glancing Soobin's way.

Soobin tilted his head to the side, curious as they met eyes for the third time. Or the third time on Soobins part. 

His voice was something Soobin wasn't expecting. High pitched and mellow with a hint of shake underneath to pull it all together. In reality, he didn't sound Korean. He spoke like a Korean. Had mannerisms of a Korean, but some of his pronunciation was wrong, not to mention the sturdy American accent that came with it. Soobin should have seen this a mile away considering the eyelids and all, but it was still a surprise to him. 

The class seemed to share this experience of realization as well as a few students stood a bit straighter, impressed oohs, and whispers spreading through the class. Even Yeonjun whistled, his head bobbing enough to make his hair bounce. Soobin smirked, poking the back of Yeonjun's head. 

" My name Is Huening Kai. I'm used to being called Kai, but I'll make sure to get used to being called Huening as well. " Kai quickly followed up, his hands darting around and emphasizing the few words he had managed to say.

A few people began to test out the name, Huening rolling off the tongues of many. The class welcomed Kai quite easily, smiles following the name. Soobin watched Kai smile as well. Not quite as big as when he was laughing, but large enough to show that he felt much more comfortable than he was previously.

Soobin would have smiled along with him if the name Huening Kai didn't become such a daunting factor to his mind. 

Each syllable and stroke of the name altered into a repeating ring that stuffed itself into his bookcase of thoughts. It didn't belong there. He had yet to make a place for it in the library he called his brain, yet it slipped in so easily. Imposing but homely in its place, but he guesses what mattered most is that he felt ok with the name taking such a huge gap in one of the many dark oak bookshelves. A book he has yet to open, but was just fine with waiting for instead of rushing to peer into the many pages it held. 

And if that wasn’t peculiar at best, he’s not sure what could. 

Soobin catches Kai glancing back at him, a persistent glint in his eyes, waiting to see if he would practice his name as well. At first, Soobin was against it, satisfied with the mantra of the name his mind had created, but the look of expectancy in Huening's eyes was a stronger force that he would gladly submit to. Soobins lips tugged to the side, curling upwards as he propped his head in his hand once more, ghosting the name on his lips as he stared directly back at Kai. The boy rewarded him with a satisfied smile that Soobin gladly devoured, his heart stuttering. 

It wasn’t long till the teacher began silencing the crowd, pulling Soobins attention back to what school was truly meant for which he had guessed was definitely not ogling new boys. 

" As we all know, This is Huening Kai! He has transferred recently from America! You see, Kai is American AND Korean, which means he's no different from you or me. He has done most of his schooling in the US and I'd appreciate it if you all would help him settle in. I'm sure the way we do schooling here in Korea is causing a huge culture shock for him so let's do our best to give our new student a good example and help him get relaxed. " 

The class responds to the teacher's monologue with a curt yes, genuinely excited and curious about the new foreigner. It explains much of why he transferred so late after all. Soobin can't help but compare Kai, a born American, with Yeonjun, a Korean-born who had studied in the US for approximately half a year, and him, also Korean born who had never once touched anything relating to America. 

He wonders if it would be a hassle to get used to Huening Kai and his distinctive impure koreaness, but then he remembers how wide Kai smiled, and he figures that maybe it's worth the extra effort.

That wasn't a word. Koreaness. But how else could he describe someone who simply...was not?

" Ah, thank you, teacher. I appreciate the work you had to go through to help me transfer here. I hope to have a good rest of the school year with you all. " Kai concludes, Bowing once more.

The teacher hums in satisfaction, crossing his arms as he scans the room, figuring where to place the young boy. At this moment, Soobin wishes he no longer sat near his best friend in front of him; or the boy that was always willing to take snack orders every break to his right, or the boy to his left who always let Soobin borrow his shaving knife or the girl who sat behind him that would talk his ear off about sweets and bread while she tousled with Soobins hair, tying them up to resemble bunny ears.

If he had sat anywhere else, he could have had the chance of sitting next to Kai, but sometime’s Soobin seems to forget that fate will not always align with his wishes. The teacher pointed to a seat across the room, one row behind Soobin. Soobin watches Kai nod eagerly, the student throwing Soobin one last glance before making his way to the back of the room, sliding into his seat.

Soobin wonders why he was so compelled to continue making eye contact with Huening. He hadn't significantly recognized him, for he's pretty sure he had never seen anyone like him till now. 

He was interesting, not to mention handsome and cute at the same time, but there was nothing so drastic to explain why he felt he couldn't tear his eyes away. Regardless, he looked over his shoulders, meeting Huening's eyes again before they both abruptly turned their heads away, facing the blackboard as the teacher scribbled Hangul that had bled into Soobin’s mind. 

Mr. Hiragana, the Japanese lecture teacher, had turned back to the podium once he finished wiping his arm over the chalkboard, erasing what was left of the white stick markings. 

" That'll be all for today. Get home safe and don't linger around the school after club hours. Also, the baseball club is having an upcoming game so don't forget to check the calendar before you leave." Mr. Hiragana announced, closing his books and pointing towards a strung up calendar in the corner of the room. Unfortunately, The class had already broken off into their little world, students wandering across the class to form their groups and others packing their things to head to club. 

Soobin was one of the many students that simply enjoyed basking in the classroom atmosphere, safe in the room of people he had known for the majority of his life. Well, mostly everyone. He too began packing his things, having already grabbed his sack and pulled at the drawstrings, revealing a space for him to place his things. 

Yeonjun hopped out of his seat, throwing his hands in the air as he stretched quite loudly, groans and short cracks coming from his back blending in with the rest of the chatter. 

" So what do you think of the new boy? " Yeonjun quipped, sitting on top of his desk with his feet on his chair. Soobin didn't bother to distract from his clean up, shrugging. 

" I don't know. It's not like I talked to him. Why? '' Soobin asked, sparing the foxy boy a pointed stare. 

Yeonjun scoffed. 

" Yeah alright. Y'know Huening kept staring over here right? And I’m almost one-hundred percent sure it wasn't at me. "

Soobin stilled for a second, his cheeks going rosy before he continued to place his pencils and erasers back into its tin case. 

" I-I don't know why he was doing that. how am I supposed to know? Maybe he was just looking at the room and was interested in the windows. '' Soobin rushed, a small ' why would I care? ' behind it. 

" Yeah, alright. Whatever you say Soobinnie. " Yeonjun teased, tugging at Soobins earlobe. Soobin smacks the hand away lightly, whining at the touch. Soobin doesn't know why he even tries to stop Yeonjun. His hands will inevitably go right back to tugging at the elastic skin. 

" We going to get rice cakes again? " Soobin asks, the highlight of his afterschool experience fresh in mind. His mouth was practically watering at the thought of the old grandma that works at the stand giving him extra rice cake and sausage, only if he let her pat his cheeks. 

Yeonjun shakes his head, sighing dejectedly. " Not today. Club is hosting another event and I have to help the freshmen learn the choreography. I think I'm free for tomorrow though. What do you think? " 

Soobin scrunches his eyebrows, dreading the idea of going alone. As much of an introvert he was, he doesn't appreciate doing social eating by himself. It's lonely and leaves a bad feeling in his stomach which is even worse than eating cold food. It seems like he'll have to pass on it for tonight. Besides, he wouldn't dare ask Taehyun about it, as he is pretty positive the smaller boy would instantly turn down the suggestion of eating rice cakes, instead, taking them to a farmers market to get a fresh salad. ‘He was born a health nut’ Yeonjun likes to insist. 

Yeonjun scoops all of his items into one hand, dumping it into his backpack and zipping it up. He waves Soobin goodbye, tells him he'll talk to him later tonight. Soobin answers back with a thumbs up, knowing he'll have to ask his mom to use the phone again. Yeonjun stumbles out of the classroom, a few other boys running up to his side to tag along before he's long out of view. 

Soobin simply continues his preparations, wondering if he'll stay around to watch the sunset before going home. Soobin turns his head to look over his shoulder once more, no longer seeing Kai but instead, a small group of people crowded around his desk. They seem to be just as interested as he was. He's glad Kai was occupied, for he wasn't sure if he was brave enough to approach him himself. Instead, he finishes packing up, tightening the drawstrings, and tossing it over his shoulder before sliding out of his desk, walking to the entrance of the classroom, and entering the main hallway. Plenty of students loitered around there, every now and then a group of girls ran through, giggling to themselves. 

He doesn't wonder what they talk about, stuck in his dreamland as he mindlessly walks down the flight of stairs, towards the front entrance where he steps out of his school shoes and into his outside shoes that were stacked neatly in his cubby. he puts them on before finally exiting the school, walking past the main gate and onto a street that winds down the hill. He's lucky he doesn't live uphill. It would be an extra pain in the afternoon to walk back home if so.

Soobin runs through his daily routine of thinking about his school day. It was a Friday, meaning he'd have the rest of the week to let his mind wander some more. He walked through the rows of books in his mind, passing Huening Kai's particular book that seemed to be the thickest one there. He passed it over and over again, at this point, It was painfully obvious that he was avoiding it on purpose. For some reason, he didn't feel like he was ready to open that book yet, so he decided it was best to leave it for another time. He would no longer think about Huening Kai or the weird feelings he would get that made him do strange and out of character things. 

Maybe it was for the best.

Before he knew it, the tall boy was approaching the end of the main street, a familiar silver cart with a big red sign hanging above it just diagonal from his stop. transparent smoke stemmed from the many pots that crowded the stall front. Large enough to practically cover the small women that buzzed behind it; opening lids and readjusting kebabs of food in their display glass. 

Soobin supposes that he had come to the stall a bit later than most days, the sky already a citric orange and the cart less crowded than usual. He could have sworn to himself that he wouldn't go for the day but coincidentally, his stomach lets out a gurgling rumble. Loud enough to get passersby to shoot him an interested look. Soobin flushes red, gripping his stomach in an instant. If he hadn't stopped to window shop so many times throughout the trek, interested in the bunny plushies that had been advertised, he would've been home already, eating an evening snack as he listened to the Beatles, but today had been an off day anyway so what was the real harm? He approached the stall, crossing the Longstreet only to jog up to the side, kicking a seat out from under the extending table and sliding in.

" Ahjumma! over here over here! " Soobin called out, waving his hand in the air to beckon the old lady over. A child-like grin spread over his features, excited to eat the rice cakes he had craved. Maybe it wouldn't taste as good now that he was alone.

His mom used to say meals always tasted better when others were around. That loneliness could kill. 

The same woman that was tending to the food earlier turned to Soobin’s direction, smiling broadly with her wrinkled lips and her saggy cheeks. 

" Soobinnie! My dear, you have come to give this old lady another hello. I wasn't expecting you today! " the old woman cheered, grabbing a paper cup and filling it with water before heading over to Soobin. She placed the cup in front of the boy, whilst reaching up to pat his head. Soobin smiled, gulping down the beverage before answering. Soobin smiles apologetically. 

He hadn’t meant to stray from the area for so long. Things just happen in life, and he refuses to believe that any of it meant something. 

" I wasn't planning on coming, but I accidentally stayed out late and got hungry. “

Soobin glanced up at the hanging menu, debating his options. 

“ Could I have the usual? We had midterms two weeks ago so I've been busy regulating my life. Newspaper club needed me as well so I was working on that. " Soobin finds himself listing excuses. 

The old lady nodded her head in understanding, not being offended at Soobin’s lack of patronage. The boy was young and deserved to explore, something she had always reminded him of. 

" It's quite alright, I’m just glad you're doing well. Business has been the same as ever and I've had a hard time keeping up. These old bones won't last forever, I’m afraid retirement has been plaguing my mind " the old woman answered solemnly, staring longingly at the pots that bubbled. 

Soobin listened with a sad smile. Ahjummas retirement was inevitable, and even if he would miss the homely food stall, he would want Ahjumma to live well and healthily. The stress of owning a business having already weathered her down. 

" Thankfully My grandson has returned from the states! He's helping along with the stall. I'll tell him to get your order ready, " The old lady brought up, clasping her hands together. Soobin nodded, jutting his lips out as he noticed the hand gesture. The old woman was much like the new student he had met earlier that day. Always using their hands to converse with others. Maybe that's why he wasn't so surprised when Kai introduced himself using his hands. 

"Now that I look at your uniform, my grandson goes to your school as well. Isn't that a coincidence? " The old lady laughed, turning away to look for her boy. 

Soobin stilled at this, blinking rapidly at the paper cup in hand. Went to his school? The old lady had never before mentioned her grandson till now, which must have meant.... which absolutely must have meant...

" Ning Ning! one bowl of tteokbokki with extra rice cake and cheese! Also bulgogi kimbap with vanilla coke! " The woman called out, a high pitched yes coming right after. 

Soobin anxiously looked around the cart before a tall boy came into view, no school uniform in sight but instead a grey sweater with a draping apron hanging around his neck. his sleeves rolled up to his elbows as he had his back turned towards him, busy with filling out the order. In the meantime, the woman turned to look at Soobin again.

" This is my grandson, Huening Kai. Sorry, he's a bit silent. He's always been one to keep to himself. He should learn that this is the type of business where you are supposed to make friends with customers you know? " She chuckles endearingly.

Soobin is reduced to only awkwardly agreeing, quite distracted with how Kai weaves through the stations, making sure to get the order correctly. After a few minutes, the boy finally turns around, approaching the table. 

" Here's your or- " Kai sings songs, a comfortable smile on his face until he raises his head, unexpectedly meeting Soobin’s strong gaze. 

Soobin feels terrible for scaring Kai, as the boy immediately jumps back, not at all expecting Soobin to greet him. It isn't much of a surprise when Kai comes close to spilling the meal he had worked on, but his grandmother is quick to react, as she grabs the bowl and plate out of his hands, setting it down in front of Soobin. 

" Yah! Be careful! you could have dropped this on Soobin! it's hot, you clumsy oaf! " The woman scolds, pulling at Kai's cheek who only whines in response, mumbling a sorry. It comes out weird and muffled and Soobin laughs, slapping a hand over his mouth as he loses sight of the two with how wide he's smiling. 

How could he not? This eccentric man brought to a bashful shame as he was scolded by a woman he had to look down at. 

Familiarity. It doesn't take a genius to understand why it matches with family so well. 

The old lady lets the younger go, hands on her hips with a tired smile. 

" My bad Soobin, this is Huening Kai, my grandson. " The old woman is quick to introduce, patting the small of Kai's back and urging him forwards. 

Soobin erupts into a lopsided smirk, crossing his arms while he leans into the food stall table. Their little game of ‘ pretend we don't know each other because even though it feels like we do, we really don’t ‘ is prominent in the air and Soobin is very willing to play along.

" It's nice to meet you, Huening Kai. I’m Choi Soobin. " 

There’s an outstretched hand. And then another. And then they are touching. Skin against skin. 

A spark.

Soobins is not sure if it's the weather or the steam from the food, but he feels warm all over. Somewhere in the universe, this event was supposed to happen, and he feels comfortable and happy knowing that he is where he should be. Huening Kai slaps a hand on the back of his neck, his face painted red from the setting sun, and at this moment Soobin can’t help but think that warm lighting fits him the best.

Their hands separate. 

He wants to reach out once more. 

" Hi, Soobin it's nice to meet you too. " 

Their game continues.

The old woman smiles from the sidelines, backing away slowly as the two boys continue to look into one another, a silence shared between them. 

" This might sound weird... " Huening Kai began again, hand slowly lowering to his side. This garners Soobin’s attention back to what they currently were.

Strangers. 

" But It feels like you keep finding me somehow. " the boy finishes.

This surprises Soobin but in a good way. He’s not used to surprises. Soobin simply tilts his head in understanding because maybe he felt the same way, and maybe he was too scared to agree so quickly. It doesn't stop him though. 

" Yeah. I think you're right. In some sense. Does that sound weird to you? " 

Huening Kai smiles warmly, watching Soobin dig into his meal with chopsticks he holds too closely. It's unnervingly comfortable how he reminds the boy to slow down or else he'd choke on his food, and the action seems too familiar to Soobin who nods eagerly, apologizing. At that moment they both look up at each other, surprised with how well they could converse before erupting into a storm of shy smiles and awkward breathy laughs. 

Soobin puts another rice cake into his mouth, savoring the taste. 

It doesn’t taste as bad as he thought.


	3. Family is one way to knowing a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited because I don't want to and school has been kicking my ass.

Soobin wakes up the next morning with his covers strewn across the floor around his waist, his legs hanging off the futon, and a scratchy drip of drool dried on the corner of his lip. Light pools in through a window he had forgotten to shut that night, far too tired and worn out from his trudge back home to bother with anything that wasn’t a quick shower and change of clothes. He takes a minute to lay in the basking warmth, eyes fluttering under it as he allows the cassette player of his mind to input the fresh roll of footage and to begin running it onto the walls of his head.

Yesterday, he met Huening Kai.

A half American half Korean boy that shared a similar interest in losing himself in the eyes of total strangers. Which would be weird in any case if Soobin hadn't done the same. Besides that, he hadn’t learned much else besides the fact the boy worked at his favorite rice cake cart, but it's almost as if that was all he needed and more to instantaneously click with the boy. Even to the point where he felt sorely out of character, commenting things he would have thought twice about and feeling maybe too happy in certain moments involving him.

Soobin opens his eyes, staring at his smooth ceiling. He felt like his heart was sinking into his chest, barely floating as it thrummed against the backing of his rib cage.

A heavy feeling in his heart.

He had enjoyed that night, and thinking about how he was apart from it made him feel a bit more empty. He was missing something. And that something was another person's presence. Soobin narrowed his eyes, reveling in how he felt because the emotion felt pure yet melancholic.

it was interesting.

A type of feeling that he would be okay with letting himself stew in because the universe was telling him this was how he was supposed to feel.

After a few minutes of his mindless staring, Soobin had forced himself to sit upwards, a low yawn leaving him. He rubbed the crust out of his eyes, twisting his body around until he moved every last crack out before finally turning over, crawling to his feet. He opened his bedroom door, stepping into the hallway.

  
His dad must have already left for work as it smelt strongly of black coffee and fermented soybean paste soup. Personally, Soobin enjoyed toasted bread with jam and butter for breakfast but his father insisted on staying traditional, drinking the salty broth with bits of silken tofu dropped into it.

His mornings are silent, as he would have preferred it. Soobin takes a moment to stand in his wake, blinking aimlessly down the barren hallway because unlike most mornings, there’s a twinge and a spark thrumming in his chest. He once read a book about love. It was a manga his mother’s friend had gifted to her, as it used to be her daughters. His mother, who had absolutely no interest or time for such things passively handed it down to Soobin to enjoy, who at the time had nothing better to do than to sit down in the most secluded corners of the house and flip through dusty recycled paper, portraying the images of a high school girl and her trials and errors in life, along with her undateable match with a boy she had barely known.

What was a soulmate? And how was he supposed to know? Now, this was a winding question. A question that most girls knew the answer to but in a romanticized American drama type of way. A woman in a petticoat, with a pink floppy sun hat, hung over her features bumps into a familiar man, tall and strong on the sidewalk of a bustling street somewhere in New York.

They whip their heads up, too preoccupied with their own lives to take mind of their surroundings, but upon first glance, they seemed stunned, all pretense of annoyance melted between the two as they meld into easy conversation, opening with an apology and ending with a stroll to a nearby cafe for a quick break of coffee and toast.

It sounds sweet but Soobin finds it unrealistic.

He'd much rather fall into a type of relationship where he had known the person, falling into the threads of routine and habit that had slowly been crafted together, hand pieced so that each action complimented another. It could be a small habit or a small part of his day where it had become a mutual understanding that he and his partner would be together, but Soobin believes that’s a lot more romantic than what the girls do. But that could also just be him.

Satisfied with his revelation, and the brief reminder of his morals and beliefs, he turns on his heel, making his way into the brightly lit living room and dining room. There were no real walls or doorways to separate his kitchen from the dining and leisure space, as most Korean homes were, so they were simply referred to the front of the houses, a line of shoes sitting snuggly beside the front entrance. He makes his way to the mahogany dining table, picking up a porcelain bowl from a stack in the middle before rounding the table and scooping himself a clump of glutinous rice.

Yesterday’s batch had lost its steam but it’s tastier now that it had dried overnight.

He quickly digs into the plain breakfast, not bothering to use chopsticks and instead opting for the rice scooper as a makeshift spoon. He knows if his mom had ever caught him, he'd be scolded on spot but he can’t bring himself to care as much, mind wandering once more as his lanky body basks in a stream of sunlight coming from the kitchen.

It feels almost too coincidental how when his eyes pass over the home phone, the gadget sitting on its own little pedestal beside the couch, he automatically jumps to Kai.

Maybe calling him.

Hearing his voice.

Maybe if he was lucky or funny enough, he could hear a laugh on the other side, a smile that is so clearly imaginable that it concerns Soobin for a second.

Because why would he think of that in the first place?

He doesn't even have the boy's number or has even known him for long. He wants to argue these points, but there is a twitch and a stutter in his heart that controls his body as if it was a puppet, making Soobin smile dumbly and oh so fondly at the phone because even if he hadn't called Kai, nor had the resources to, he still thought of him first.

Is this the feeling of romanticizing one's life? finding the sweet and the honey in each moment because of another?

It's strange how ironic it is for the foreign exchange student to make him feel like a foreigner in his own body.

Soobin places down the porcelain bowl, grains of rice piled high which is to be questioned later because Soobin never leaves his bowl full, having grown up with an appreciation to the things he's given and growing a habit of being distasteful towards waste, but nothing is able to distract the boy from his task. He plucks the chunky phone up and holds it against his ear with his shoulder, punching in a numeral code, which leads into a deafening ring.

Soobin feels his anxiety dip as the rings are loud and almost jarring against his thrumming heart because, in all honesty, he has never done something so impulsive and out of his way to indulge with others.

Especially on the weekend.

Especially on the weekend.

Thankfully, his worries and his obsession is cut short when a woman picks up a nasally ‘ good morning ‘ followed by a quick ‘ who is this? ‘ answer. Soobin gulps, awkwardly grabbing the phone and pressing it to his ear, afraid of dropping it from how nervous and out of place he feels. another finger wraps around the spiraling chord, fidgeting.

" H-Hi, uhm, is Ahjumma awake? It's uh Soobin. "

The other end of the line goes silent, heavy in thought. Soobin is almost afraid he had dialed the wrong number, and he had horribly confused this poor woman on a Saturday morning.

" Ah Soobin! You're looking for mom! I'll get her in a second, it's her day off today but I guess you know that if you're calling. I'll get to her in a second. She's making breakfast! "

Soobin is relieved to hear that he in fact did not get the wrong number and make an utter fool of himself. His eyes flit to the grandfather clock standing tall and prideful in the corner of the room.

7:00 am, still time for breakfast.

He can hear Ahjumma’s daughter play around in the background, calling out for her mom who responds back with a shout of her own. For a second, he could swear he hears a young boy snicker as well, but just as quickly as it sounds, the phone is picked up, a new voice replacing the one he had talked to.

" Soobin-ah? " an older woman answers, immediately causing Soobin's smile to return to his face, his arms falling to his side.

" Ahjumma! Good morning! Are you in good health?! '' Soobin answers, rocking on the balls of his feet.

He always feels best when talking to food stall ahjumma, having grown close enough over the years to be acquainted with her family and such. Besides, this wouldn't be the first time he had stopped by her home, only to get a taste of her food stall cooking, unavailable to the public on days like these. It made him feel special and a lot more boyish being taken care of by the older woman, a needed break from his isolation in groups of peers around his age.

He can't help himself. He had always been a mama's boy.

" ah I'm alright, stop beating around the bush already, what do you want? "

Soobins smile never falters, already knowing that whatever he was to request, the old lady would gladly oblige.

" Ah my family isn't home you know, and it's a Saturday morning. Isn't it a shame for such a young boy to stay at home and eat so unhealthily? " Soobin whines into the phone, his bottom lip jutting out as if that would get his point across any clearer. With some type of magic, it does, the old lady scoffing at the end of the phone. It doesn't matter, Soobin can practically hear the smile breaking through her blunt words.

" Yah, what would you do without me? Breakfast will be ready in 15, get over here. "

Soobin cheers into the phone, kissing the speaker. He ends the phone call as soon as he hears the other line die, quickly dropping it into its stand before he rushes to the family bathroom. He's quick to stuff a toothbrush into his mouth, running hands through his hair in an attempt to make it at the very least presentable. When he looks back at himself in the mirror again, his teeth now clean and his hair only a bit messy from how he'd usually have it, he finds it odd that he had even bothered to do so in the first place.

Who was he trying to impress? He was simply going over to a family friend's place for a nice breakfast. Why exactly did he want to do his hair? Soobin frowns, contemplating and interrupting his actions. There was a chance that Kai lived with ahjumma, considering the Huenings were a family household, meaning not only one generation shared the residence, and he had known that from the start, the idea pinned to the back of his mind. It's probably logical to believe the only reason he was going over was to see Kai, who would most definitely be there now that he's revised that fact.

And the dread is now back to crawling through his stomach, latching onto the thin skin as it drags it downwards, making Soobin so very uncomfortable.

He feels like he's about to drop, his heart rising into his throat because he will most definitely be meeting Kai again. Kai outside of a uniform. Kai around family, no longer shy and maybe even more outgoing. Is Soobin okay with seeing that? There is a twinge and spark in his chest, roaring at him to hurry up and go on his way already because, for some reason, his heart is leaping at the opportunity to see the boy again.

Even for a small glance.

And besides, it's not like he could deny anyways, practically promising the older lady of his expected arrival. Soobin huffs at his reflection, burdening dark eyes staring back at him. He hopes these eyes of his don't scare Kai away. The boy seems to have a knack for forcing things out of Soobin, whether it be voluntary or not.

Soobin arrives on the front steps of the Huening resident with his hands stuffed into an oversized bomber jacket, an old work one he had gotten from his job at the mechanic's before the chief had decided to install a heating system. Oil smudged the sleeves but Soobin always thought that it made it cooler. He didn't really expect himself to dress up all too much, as he was still wearing a plain white t-shirt and plaid blue pajama pants that bunched over the flaps of beat-up shoes that he swears are white but had turned into a greyish color over the years. He brings a fist up to bang down on the front door, hitting the wood between the glass windows that allow him to peer in.

He admits he's a bit off guard, admiring the overgrown grass on the front yard and a forgotten set of X and jacks on the sidewalk. So much to the point he almost lets out a scream when he turns his head back to the front door, a boy only a few inches smaller than him, peering up at him with such big eyes and an admiring stare that he's almost certain that this was the standard definition of swooning.

He's grateful for his lack of energy to shriek in terror, but he does stumble back, blinking at the boy in the mopped tangled hair that he soon realizes is Huening Kai, curls poking into his eyes as a long-sleeved shirt engulfs his frame, pants similar to his own draped along his hips.

It seems the boy had woken up only recently as well, Soobin bows, staring up at the boy through his lashes because he simply cannot tear his gaze away, mesmerized with how off-put and domestically normal Kai seems at home.

He wishes he could play it off, accept what was to come, but he's hypnotized by Kai's own stuttering bow, off guard, and shy as his stance made him out to be.

" g-good morning! I'm sorry for surprising you! " Huening Kai yelps, bowing once more even though Soobin had already straightened himself out.

Soobin is quick to shake his hands in the air, dismissing any negative emotion that may have erupted between the two.

He tries his best to smile, as awkward as it might have come out.

" No, it's fine! really! You weren't expecting to see a classmate show up at your doorstep, were you? Sorry! but good morning to you too! " Soobin chuckles, hands finding purchase, delving into the deep pockets of his jacket.

He feels inherently bad with how Kai rushes to move to the side, guiding Soobin in almost worriedly if he had kept him out too long. Soobin nods politely before entering, but before he proceeds any further, he glances at Kai's eyes, breath hitching as they make eye contact.

What's also surprising is that Kai doesn't break. Soobin quickly excused himself from the intimacy of the event by forcing himself to focus on removing his shoes.

Kai seems to get the idea, closing the door behind Soobin and calling out to his grandmother, his voice ringing into the hallway leading to a house plan similar to Soobins.

Soobin stands in the hallway, stoic and tall, hands shoved into his pocket as he stares into the back of Kai's head, losing himself in the messy locks.

If the world was rotating, the stars shifting right above him, the plates of earth clashing together even by just a centimeter, Soobin could feel it all. A heart-wrenching type of twist that urges him to just hold out a hand. That's all he'd need, his mind tells him. That's all he would have to do to feel the universe in his grasp.

Despite the desperate feelings that claw his insides, draining his soul, he keeps his hands clenched in his jacket, tearing his gaze away from Kai to focus on the old woman that appears from the corner of the hallway, waving them over.

" Ahjumma! " Soobin says, a pleasant smile on his face. Kai seems to really like this, shooting Soobin a giggly look over his shoulder that has Soobin's heart screaming. He's honestly a bit too happy with Kai's approval but he says nothing about it, following Kai into the Dining room.

When he first enters, the table is already set up, 6 plates with matching culinary utensils and small bowls filled with potato soup around the table. Kai takes a seat in the nearest chair, taking a second to readjust it before looking up at Soobin, interested in where he would want to sit.

And that was indeed a good question because he didn't have an answer as quickly as he needed it. It was only the two of them at the moment, Ahjumma returning back to the kitchen just across the room along with Kai's mother.

" Could I sit here? "

Soobin's hand is wavering over the chair next to Kai's, uncertain. He's not sure what kind of point or relationship he has with the foreign boy, but when he asks such a bold question, he doesn't feel like curling in embarrassment.

Soobin pulls back the chair, slipping himself in.

He knew the other would say yes.

He just knew.

And correct he was. Kai tilted his head down, trying his best to hide the expansive flush of heat he was now sporting as he whispered a small yes.

" You didn't have to ask me if you already knew I'd say yes y'know. "

Soobin smiled shyly, patting the back of his head.

" I'm a polite guy, what can I say? "

Kai hovers a hand over his mouth when he lets out a laugh, rolling his eyes and patting his hand over his thigh, lightly hitting it.

And how was Soobin not supposed to find that absolutely endearing yet again?

" Yea. You've always known what I liked. " Kai gets out between his giggle fits.

" What? how would I have known that? We met like one day ago "

Their conversation falls silent suddenly. Kai shifts.

Soobin feels empty. As if he had ruined something unintentionally and like he had put Kai into such an awful position.

Soobin didn't mean for this to happen. Not in a million years, but here he is, his tongue caught in his throat with nothing to explain himself with because it was completely unreal; just to say

" I'm just kidding, of course, I'd know that you're practically my soul mate. "

And that thought brings up a new concern for Soobin to add to his list, because when had he ever thought about soul mates? And why had he?

In the midst of his brain's rambling, the boy next to him had seemed to fall back, in reality, a dry laugh cracking through the silence.

" Sorry, you're right, but it kinda feels like you knew. " Kai says.

Soobin nods his head dumbly because what Kai had said was completely true. It had felt like he should have known that, and now it's bugging him that he didn't.

" No, It's ok- I'm sorry " Soobin seems to babble out, unaware of his own apology.

Kai raises his eyebrow, his grin splitting into a more heartfelt giggle. It makes his chest feel thin, and he's afraid Kai is going to see how wildly his chest is thumping.

" For not agreeing, I think. " Soobin finds himself adding.

This conversation is too silly, and it involves too many senseless apologies because it's neither of their faults but the wild spark of hope that arises in Kai's eyes is enough to make Soobin want to grovel to his knees, begging his apology to be taken as sincere.

To see those eyes glint and crinkle and do a lot of things that just simply result in them sparkling.

" You're so weird. " Kai whispers, biting his lip in a bad attempt of keeping his smile under wraps but Soobin can see right through it and he too smiles cheekily.

The moment is ruined by the entrance of an old woman and a middle-aged one, calling out their names and forcing the two to tear their gaze from one another.

Kai's grandmother is hobbling over to the dining table with two plates in hand, both filled with fried eggs, toast with a spread of jam, A few slices of fried pork belly with a side of fermented green onions, and a cup of rice balanced on the ends of the plate.

Soobin can say he's impressed that the two dishes stayed intact through the trip. He immediately stands up, reaching over the dining table to grab his plate. It's an instinct when he reaches out to the second plate, grabbing it and balancing it carefully like he had seen ahjumma do and placing it in front of Kai before he had his own, even bothering to take the cup of rice off the plate and set it next to him.

Kai is staring up at Soobin through the whole process, a comfortable smile on his face as he lets Soobin take care of his meal.

Soobin sets up his own, sitting back down in his seat only to look up to three pairs of eyes set on his very being. Soobin raises an eyebrow, off-put with the attention. He shies in on himself, the tips of his ears burning as he mutters a startled

" what? "

Kai's Grandmother and mom share a knowing look, the older of the duo shaking her head as if it was some sort of bet she had just been tipped off to, Kai's mother shooting the foreign boy a know-it-all tilt.

Kai only rolls his eyes in response, internally begging the women to leave poor Soobin alone.

Kai is first to break the silence again.

" Nothing, Thank you Soobin. " Kai concludes, picking up his metal chopsticks and impaling his eggs with them before quickly dragging the wood down the middle of the produce. He picks up a half of the egg he had cut before holding it up to Soobin, the raven-haired boy confused.

" You don't like eggs? " Soobin had simply asked, already halfway into cutting the pork belly.

Kai shook his head no, urging the egg towards him.

Soobin eagerly took the food, lips wrapping around the chopsticks and at this point, Soobin had been convinced that Kai was an angel who had come to earth to take care of him and him only.

The breakfast ends on a light note that evening, Kai finishing his meal first and heading into the kitchen to wash up. Soobin is last to finish and spends the remainder of that breakfast morning basking in the sun, the sound of Kai's humming along with ahjumma's raspy singing ringing in his ears.

It’s becoming apparent that the chapters of his life go by days because the rest is a blur. The three family members clean up, bid Soobin goodbye, and then the rest of his day is a blur, ending with him back home.

He forgets to call Yeonjun to go out as the other had promised.


	4. It'll take forever to know who I am.

_ "Soobin, Soobin! Yah wake up! “ _

_ “ I swear if you don’t wake up I'm taking your pencil. The orange one too. " _

Soobin lifts his head, his arm’s curved around his crown, shielding himself from the outside world. When he opens his eyes, It’s messy wet blotches of images. He turns his head to the side, staring blankly at the occupied space. 

A chair. And a desk too.

Soobin blinks. 

Hard thin lines dissipate, making shapes melt into one another. It’s as if his eyes are glass. Fogged.

Do not mistake Soobin, because It’s not as if it’s confusing, but it exists, and Soobin know’s for a fact things like that don’t exist unless something was really wrong with his eyesight. Soobin turns his head back forward to what he assumed was Yeonjuns voice. The desk in front of him.

There was no one. It was empty, hanging space in the air where something should’ve been but wasn’t. That should ’ve been confusing as well but he was this dimension's child, and it cradled, shielding him from the terror of questions and the unknown.

Ah, but Yeonjun was gone. 

_ ‘ Soobin.  _ ‘

The boy whips his head, his movements were difficult. He was breathing through some sort of molasses that filled the empty room. His classroom. His school’s classroom. To prove his point further, he admires the small bubbles that erupt around him, slowly rising. Too slowly. 

_ “ Yes?” _ ‘ Soobin mouths, his words deaf upon his ears. It must be the molasses his mind reckons, leaving Soobin stoic and perplexed.

_ ‘ Did you miss him? ‘  _

Soobin blinks.

_ “ Who is him? “ _

_ ‘ Kamal. ‘  _

Soobin turns his head back to the front of the room, staring at the blackboard. Scribbled across it in childish letters, all asymmetrical, the word ‘ Kamal “ drawn across it. From the corner of his eyes, he can see two children, couldn’t be any older than 12, slip out the classroom doors, giggling, tiny steps, soft steps, gone steps.

He focuses back on the board, the white chalk practically burning into it. 

_ “ Kamal? “ _

_ ‘ Yes, Kamal! You remember, don't you? ‘  _

Soobin shakes his head idly, eye’s never breaking away. If he distracted himself, he was sure to forget it. Because that's what this dimension did for him. Erase his memories, disturb his thoughts until they were only cracking particles, never to be whole and continuous again. He is refusing the universe’s gift. 

_ “ I don’t, I’m sorry. “ _ Soobin replies mellowly. 

_ ‘ That’s ok, you will soon. I’m Soobin by the way. Choi Soobin. ‘ _

Soobin snaps his head to his left, the room lacking the slow gel it once contained. 

_ “ What? You can’t be Choi Soobin? “ _

As he expects, there’s a boy in front of him. A boy That looks like him, but with blue hair instead of his own black. 

_ ‘ Why can’t I? ‘ _ The stranger says. 

Soobin furrows his eyebrows, glancing over the figure incredulously, because if he was Soobin, then who was he? 

“ That’s…. That’s not right. I’m Soobin. I’m Choi Soobin of the Choi residence! “ Soobin exclaims, his heart thumping loudly behind the bars of his chest. The Universe would not protect him from this he had realized. He could feel his blood in his veins. 

_ ‘ I’m Soobin. I’m Choi Soobin of the Choi Residence! ‘  _ The standing boy echoes, looking down at him with an understanding smile. 

Which was strange because what type of monster could understand this?

_ ‘ Prove it. Prove that you are indeed Choi Soobin. Describe him. ‘  _

_ “ Well.. um… “  _ Soobin hesitated, staring up into the figments' eyes. He was enthralled with the challenge. 

“ I’m Choi Soobin because I’m quiet. I’m Choi Soobin because my mother is Choi Jaechul. I’m Choi Soobin because my father is Choi Minho. I’m Choi Soobin because I'm sending myself off to war! I’m Choi Soobin because my best friend is Choi Yeonjun! And-and Kang Taehyun! And I’m Choi Soobin because I don’t know anything about myself or anything to do besides just existing! “ Soobin seems to ramble. His words become touchable blocks, falling to his feet as he let himself scream into the space between him and the figment. 

_ ‘ Ok, my turn! ‘ _

‘ I am Choi Soobin because I am quiet. I am Choi Soobin because my mother is Choi Jaechul. I am Choi Soobin because my father is Choi Minho. I am Choi Soobin because I was a messenger who carried important messages for the neighboring kingdom. I’m Choi Soobin because my partner was Choi Yeonjun. I am Choi Soobin because my love’s best friend was Kang Taehyun. I’m Choi Soobin because I am content with living life quietly and low maintenance. I am Choi Soobin because I Love Huening Kamal Kai! ‘ 

.

‘ Because I loved Huening Kamal Kai! And I still love Huening Kamal Kai! And I will love Huening Kamal Kai no matter what timeline we end up on! ‘

Soobin’s eyes snap wide open, his vision pristine and clear as if he hadn’t laid down with his eyes closed for over 5 hours. There’s a white ceiling. A few orange stains scattered around, tinting the top but it was his room. 

Home. 

Soobin let out a shuttered breath, frozen still Because what the fuck just happened? His mind was like a running mill but if it was old and barely worked. Bit’s of his dream roll on a projector, displayed on a screen he can vividly see playing on his blank ceiling. But as old things do, moments are cut out. burnt holes in the cinematic print. 

Then just as suddenly as he had remembered, it’s gone. He can no longer piece moments, can’t even remember what it’s about and it's only then where he finally turns to his side, his arms splayed out in front of him and off his futon, knuckles kissing the wooden floor. 

It’s Sunday. Tomorrow he’ll go back to school. Pretend as if he hadn’t gone over to Kai’s house. Pretend that the only residue left from his dream wasn’t him. Pretend to be the quiet, empty, introverted, studious Choi Soobin. He’ll also pretend that he had simply lost track of time because he’s quickly reminded of Yeonjun, who was possibly expecting a call from him the day before. 

Soobin scrambles to his feet, kicking off his sheets. He’s lethargic as he stumbles out of his room, hanging limbs, gangly and long draping off his body as he walks down his hallway, clambering up to the side table beside the parlor’s long seat. His father is home this time, his presence at the dining table only a bit away, invisible to Soobin. 

“ Good morning. “ The old man greets. 

Soobin is quick to turn his head, visibly freezing upon conversation but relaxing after recognizing the man. 

“ Oh, good morning. “ Soobin replies dumbly, tucking an arm into his side. He’s awkward. This silence is awkward too. 

“ What are you doing up so early? “ Soobin’s father questions, still trained on the newspaper folded into his right hand. The other is holding a handleless mug, the ceramic beautiful in comparison to the grey fingers wrapped around it, calloused from work. 

Soobin scratches the back of his neck, shrugging. 

“ I-I don’t know… Just slept early I guess… “ 

It wasn’t a lie. Soobin had fallen asleep at 8 o'clock that evening despite having done barely anything besides a few draft papers for his new section in the school paper. Something about North Korea and some paragraphs he knew was blatantly biased propaganda, but the population of South Korea ate it up effortlessly.

“ Are you going to that flimsy club of yours? You couldn’t dedicate yourself to some further study? What about the sciences? Doesn't that sound more appealing? What about chemistry? Men like those are the most respectable. Not scum who sit comfortably on the sidelines, feeding, drafting others' efforts. Nancies. All of them. Might as well be Nazi’s for fuck’s sake. “ His father is quick to mention, whipping his hand and throwing his paper across the table.

Soobin drops his arm’s to the side. 

“ No... I’m going to call Yeonjun. The sport one. “ Soobin deadpans, his tongue slack in his mouth. 

He hated his father’s lectures. His rants on how news reporters were greedy, that journalists were devils that were capable of mind washing a population because he was right. News reporters, writers, documenters, journalists, they were all capable of things like that. But he wasn’t like that. He could only hope his father would have some type of hope in him.

“ Ah, I like that boy. He’s one of us. The Choi’s. “ 

That was right as well. The Choi dynasty were sticklers for tradition. Tradition…Tradition...Tradition…

“ ...yeah “ Soobin mumbles, turning back to the phone. 

He grabs the gadget, shoving it between his head and shoulder before he punches in the number sequence with the tip of his finger. He knows he had abruptly cut their conversation short, but he has no plan in rekindling anything. The two of them are left to their own devices.

8 feet apart, 26,000 miles away. 

‘ Hello? ‘

“ Yeonjun? “

‘ Soobin? Yo, what's up? Did I get something wrong? ‘

‘ What? ‘

‘ Well if I remember correctly, you were supposed to call me yesterday bud. ‘ 

Soobin smiles dryly, nodding his head. 

‘ Yeah, I was actually. Why? Miss me? ‘

‘ As if you idiot. It’s cool, but I expect an explanation the next time we meet. ‘

‘ sure. How does 30 minutes sound? ‘

‘ W-what? So soon? I mean sure yeah fine I guess... Where? ‘

‘ Coffee and let's go somewhere… ‘ Soobin side glances at his father who had retrieved the newspaper back, reading it with a scowl etched between his brows. Soobin thinks he should stop doing it. Mom hates it. 

‘ District? I need to… School materials maybe… ‘ Soobin murmurs. Anything to get away from whatever is going on between him and his father. 

Yeonjun agrees with no complaint, cutting their call short. 

His father was generous, letting Soobin walk away from him to quietly pad back down the hallway to attend to his own needs. Soobin was the most thankful to him at times like these, but he also wonders if there’d be nothing to be thankful for if his father wasn’t the type of man to do so in the first place. 

Soobin slips into the bathroom, turning the faucet on and letting the showerhead begin to sprinkle down as he undresses, bending down only to take out a grey embroidered towel from the sink cabinet. He tosses it onto the toilet seat before he pulls back the shower curtain, stepping in. warm droplets beat against his back, washing away the tension that had knotted in his shoulders. He hopes he isn’t getting old, or at least not old enough to the point he’ll no longer be able to move his limbs. He’d rather die than grow to the age of his parents, besides, he couldn’t imagine anything waiting for him at that age. It’s lonely and depressing and days meld into one another unless you have someone to remind you that wasn’t the case. But Soobin wouldn’t have something like that, and he’ll convince himself of that until he’s finished shampooing his hair.

Suds trail down the side of his face, coconut. He’s always liked the smells of coconut. It was exotic and his first time smelling it was when his family took a trip to Hawaii. He was walking down one of the many boardwalks the island had to offer, hand in hand with his mother. He could’ve only been 12 years old at that time, the memoirs of his secondary school years a bit blurry, light in a brightened haze. Apart from that, he does remember how he held his mother's hand tightly, fingers curled around each other as if they were vines, clinging to one another despite the smothering humidity that complimented the island's many exotic vegetation. Bullous huge plants you could never even imagine growing in a place like Korea. Not with its cold weather or grey skies. His mother began straying to his right, and he followed at her heels blindly, not wishing to ever separate from the only recognizable face in the crowd. 

“ Mau Mau? “ he had called out, receiving a weird look from the shop vendor that his mother had approached. The old man behind the counter didn’t know Korean, so it must’ve been confusing to him, but 12-year-old Soobin couldn’t have understood that foreign was a fear to most. An unknown. He reacted shyly towards the older, hiding behind his mother's tanned legs. 

“ One coconut please, two straws. “ His mother had announced above him. The old man nodded and swiped the cash out of the woman's hand. Soobin frowned at the smudges of dirt that were left behind. 

Hawaiin's were dirty people, but they were strong. 

He watched in awe as the man grabbed a coconut from a weaved pile. Green and young, perfect for drinking. He reached behind himself to grab a heavy blade, swiping it and chucking the head of the young, hacking at the flesh until a soft middle was left of its head. His mother clapped in joy, graciously grabbing it after the man poked in two bamboo straws. She brought the liquid to her lips, taking a subtle sip. Just enough to taste, not enough to indulge. His mother was like that. 

“ Soobinnie! It’s good, baby baby, won’t you taste some for maumau? “ his mom said to him, crouching down to his level. 

Soobin glared at the fruit. It was green, like a vegetable. He didn’t like vegetables. They were bitter and tasted herbal and medicinal, so how could it have possibly tasted good?

“ maumau No! I won’t! That’s so gross… “ Soobin responded, turning away from it.

He could hear his mother pout behind him, sighing. “ But that boy over there is drinking one too! Don’t you think he likes it too? “ a sweet voice cooed, fingers gingerly threading through his damp sticky hair.

Humidity, it was something Soobin despised the most. Soobin glanced around him, seeking for the boy, and his mother was right. Down by the beach, on a rock that uplifted near the shore, was a scrawny boy in a light blue tank top and neon swimming shorts. His limbs were gangly, completely awkward and his hair stuck up in unruly places. Soobin wished he could have dumped a big red bucket of seawater on his head if it meant keeping all the cowlicks down, but instead he watched quietly as he stared off into the sea, green coconut in one hand while he supported himself with the other. He looked like he was enjoying himself, even at the age he was, which looked close to a 5th grader. His cheeks chubbed as he sipped at the drink, completely unaware of the couple gazing at him. 

“ What do you say, baby? Try a sip? “ 

And he did. The coconut stayed wrapped around his arms for the rest of the day, drunk dry by the time they had arrived back to their hotel.

\--

Soobin stepped out of the shower, drying himself off with a towel. He wrapped the damp cloth around his waist, barely glancing at himself in the mirror. It was pointlessly fogged up by now. His mother forgot to wipe it with soap again. Does that make it three months now? 

Soobin walked back into his room, putting on a crew neck sweatshirt with a padded flannel over it. He had learned from the day prior that the weather was sombering over, freezing the tips of metal and killing fires a lot quicker. When he finished, he walked into the main room of the house. Empty. His father had left to do whatever old men did on hopeless weekends when their partners weren’t around, which was honestly most days. His mother had taken a liking to lounging in the bedroom, knitting her youth away on a stupid rocking chair just as old as her. His father built it for her. Even when his father is void from the house, he always leaves something to remind the home of his presence. Like the newspaper at the end of the table, left on a corner to intimidate Soobin into staying inside. Soobin brushed past it, shoving his feet into black combat boots that shined with its leather. He swiped his wallet from a porcelain bowl left on top of the shoe cabinet. Trinkets of rabbits crowded the surface. His mother always loved rabbits, and maybe that's the only reason she loved him. He left the house after that, beginning his trek uphill to an American themed espresso shop that his father would kill him for patroning.

Soobin wrapped his hand around the brass handle to the oak door, curves and dips etched into the wooden frame giving off such a distinctive vibe that it couldn’t be described as anything else but ‘American‘ Just like Kai Soobin thought. 

He quickly steered away from the train of thought by entering the cafe, looking around for his fox eyed friend. Sat in a booth, in the far back was a boy. Young, and could’ve been mistaken as one of the men in colored films in cinema, sitting longingly, waiting for a maiden to enjoy a late breakfast with him, maybe run a train where he’ll jump on as well because he would go to the ends of the earth for a girl he just met. It’s a shame that he wasn’t some maiden that could satisfy Yeonjun's underlying dreams. He approached the seat with a warm smile, sliding in the booth adjacent to the teen before the other had noticed. 

“ Soobin! When did you get here? “ 

Soobin grinned, shrugging, “ When did you become such a sap? “ 

Yeonjun sputtered, looking at Soobin incredulously. “ Sap? What the hell are you talking about dude. “ Yeonjun smiled awkwardly. He was trying to off-put Soobin, but he was a bit smarter than that. Soobin looked to his left and out the window, observing across the street. It wasn’t different from what he had seen before, just busy people who walked back and forth, living their own lives, following their own schedule and for that second he thought maybe Yeonjun was just simply gazing off into his own world until he spotted a particular boy. Heavy biker jacket slung over his shoulders as he tended a cigarette between his fingers, leaning across the front of a candy shop. Loitering. Soobin glanced back Yeonjun’s way, watching silently as he too had begun to stare at the stranger, enamored with his spiky looks and the way he never brought the stick to his lips. 

“ Friend of yours? '' Soobin interrupted, forcing Yeonjun to tear his gaze away. 

“ N-No… I… “ Yeonjun muttered, eyes attracting back to the boy who had now seemed to swallow his wits and take a puff of the tobacco. Yeonjun chuckled as he watched the stranger immediately freak out, spitting out the tar and stomping the stick into the ground before running back inside the store, hands in his jacket. 

“ What a poser “ Soobin smirked, watching Yeonjun burst into a blush. 

“ So what if he's a poser! At least he isn’t letting his lungs kill themself… “ Yeonjun is quick to defend, leaning into the back of his seat and looking up at the ceiling in  exasperation.

Yeah. He was in love. 

“ Why were you looking so much? “

“ I wasn’t even looking that long! “ 

“ yeah? “ Soobin severely doubted this. 

“ Y-Y-Yeah! A-And you were fucking looking too dude! What?! You got a crush on him or something?! “ Yeonjun barks. Soobin knows the words never had any cruel intention in them. Yeonjun would never do that to him. 

So why was it that they both fell quite? Awkward at the idea of liking someone. Especially if that someone was a boy. 

Soobin's mind screamed at him to say something. Anything. To reject such a horrendous idea. But was he appalled at it because the person in circumstance was a boy?

Or was it because it wasn’t Kai? 

Soobin stared at Yeonjun, blank in his mind. What could he say in this situation? 

“ You’re supposed to say no, ew that's gross, you idiot. “ Yeonjun lets out a small laugh, running his hand through his fingers. 

Would Soobin let something spill out of his foul mouth? The mouth that called people dirty, and the mouth that had refused his mother's happiness without a second thought?

Could he say something like that?

“ I know, I was just so surprised at how stupid you could be. I am absolutely enamored and impressed at the same time and that's a feat considering it's coming from Choi Yeonjun. “ 

And then everything is back to how it was. Smiles and laughs and shoving one another and calling each other names about stupid little jokes they’re able to conjure up on the spot until a nice young lady, possibly a noona, approaches them, asking for their orders. 

Yeonjun orders an iced coffee with a side of coffee cake. He also asks for the nice ladies' number. She nods politely before referring to the poor teenager as a pronoun that could only be described as ‘little brother’ Yeonjun immediately deflates and it takes a kick from under the table, away from noona’s eyes, to have Soobin calm enough to order his own. Melon bread with a cup of milk tea. 

“ You’re so stupid for that. “ Soobin mentions the moment the waiter saunters away to retrieve their order. 

“ Fuck off... “ Yeonjun groans, lying his head on the oak table. 

Soobin agrees. He should hide his face forever and never return to this cafe ever again. Save Soobin an unnecessary scolding while he’s at it. They are comfortable in their silence, Soobin bobbing his head to the casual jazz that hums softly from the old radio in the corner of the store. 

“ Hey, Soobin? “

“ Yeah? “

Yeonjun raises his head, meeting eyes with Soobin, and suddenly he feels small. He’s being analyzed, and Yeonjun is the head psychiatrist. 

“ Why didn’t you call yesterday? “ 

Soobin gulps, his fingers rapping the corners of the oak table that kept Yeonjun from pouncing on him, tearing the truth out of his phalanx and raising it for everyone to see.

“ With ahjumma. “ 

That answer was ok. It had to be ok. It wasn’t the entire truth, but it wasn’t a lie either and in social relationships, it was important to find the middle. 

“ Why? “ 

Soobin scowls. Yeonjun is an idiot. He’s a big huge idiot who never knew when to be quiet. He cared too much, and loved too much, and got happy too much, and talked too much, and helped others too much, and was talented too much, and danced too much, and hung around Soobin too much. He was just too much for Soobin, but he’s the type of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to drink the coconut milk even if it was green. 

Since Yeonjun was too much, and Soobin lied too much, what could he say? What was a reason he could tell Yeonjun on why he had suddenly decided to venture to an old woman's house who he had no relation to by blood instead of staying in the ‘comfort’ of his home, bored enough to call Yeonjun as he had promised? 

Could he tell him that his father was home? His father who drained all hope of his future and had instead left a shriveled peach, egging him on to make s omething out of the dry flesh? Or maybe that his mother had rotted herself into a stupid old rocking chair made by one who didn’t even love her anymore and had instead tried to ignore it by loving him as much as she could until she simply broke down? Or maybe tell him that his heart swelled whenever he was near a foreign boy who for all he knew, could have been a spy from Russia, using him to disguise himself as a normal highschool boy only to take over the Korean government and sell the president to the North? Now maybe he could tell him that the ahjumma was a therapist and a boy from a beach he could barely remember had been haunting his dreams, reminding him of someone who he was not. 

“ My mom wanted me to drop off kimchi to their home. The ahjumma's wrists have been getting weak and she feels indebted as the woman had carried two large daikons over to our home all by herself. She fears the woman is not being taken care of by her children so I spent the day there. “ Soobin lies, straight through his teeth. 

Before Yeonjun could respond with his suspicions, his interest is brought to the sudden plates and cups placed in front of them. Yeonjun is quick to cut a chunk of the brown cake, shoving his mouth full until he physically winces from the stretch. Soobin smiles thankfully. He dodged a bullet, but why did he lie? What was so wrong with saying he visited the foreign student instead of Yeonjun? Was he afraid of what the other might have thought? To be honest, if Yeonjun had told him he had skipped a meeting with him only to hang out with a boy he had just met, he would be bitter as well. But Yeonjun would probably be worse than bitter. He could accuse him of liking that boy. Accuse him of homosexuality, and that's a problem not needed to the list. 

Soobin glanced down at his own plate, admiring the display. A brioche bun, golden brown with a cracked pale dough baked on top only for it to crack once baked. Alongside it, a small tart, a bright yellow custard in the middle with ribboned corners and-- wait a second. Soobin snapped his head up, searching for the waitress because he was almost 100% certain he had never ordered an egg tart. 

“ Excuse me, noona, I didn’t order this! “ Soobin shouts at the woman’s back, finger-pointing accusingly at the desert. Yeonjun looks up at Soobin questioningly, but he is too caught up in his panic to care because he certainly didn’t order this and if this was for someone else he wouldn’t dare to think about taking it away from them, no matter how appetizing it appeared. The waitress spins on her heel, offering the two a curt smile. 

“ You did not sir. Another man had ordered it, asking politely if we could serve it to you. He left after picking up his order and I’m afraid he didn’t leave a name. “ 

He stares at the woman, then he stares at the dish, and then he looks up at Yeonjun who is giving him a cheeky smize and he is officially exhausted with the day. 

“ Soobinnie! What the hell? Do you have a girlfriend that I don’t know about? “ Yeonjun nearly shouts, globs of cake flying across the table.

Soobin definitely deserves this shut down because next thing he knows, he’s groaning into his hands, trying his best to rid of the headache that had formed in a ring around his head, squeezing the thoughts out of his brain and letting it ooze through his ears. He wishes the boy could be a bit quieter about this, he could practically feel the elders stare into them, probably praising young love. 

“ Oh my god no! What the fuck I- I don’t even know anyone who likes egg tarts?! I don’t even like egg tarts that much! “ Soobin cries, frustration making his voice raspy and gruff. 

_ What type of love bullshit was this?  _

Yeonjun rolls his eyes. “ well If you’re not going to eat it… “ 

Before Yeonjun can do anything, Soobin grabs the cake, shoving it into his mouth. He chews aggressively as if he was pretending to chew the person who had bothered to cause this much trouble to him, because honestly, how hard was it to just leave him alone? Out of all the students in the world, he was probably the one person who had wanted to lead a normal boring life the most!. 

“ I totally know what's wrong with you now. “ Yeonjun announces, half of his cake gone and a 1/4th of his coffee down.

“ What had my wonderful Yeonjun come to bless me with today? “ Soobin groans, finishing the tart and gulping it down with warm sips of milky tea. 

“ You got this whole teen angst thing going on for you. Like the quiet mysterious kid that ends up becoming a doctor or something and all the girls now in their twenties swoon over. “ 

Soobin’s eye twitches at the mention of doctor. 

“ First, what the fuck is teen angst? And second of all, I’m not going to be a doctor. “ Soobin grumbles, placing the teacup down with a bit more force than needed. Yeonjun doesn't seem to notice as he continues.

“ Why not? You’d be totally cool fixing up girls and shit, plus its big bucks in the science industry. You could probably even move to America. Get away from all the shitty politics and war and stuff. That's all Korea has to offer here anyways. “ 

Soobins picks at his roll of bread with his fork. 

_What did a literature dedicated student have to do with becoming a doctor? That couldn’t be written in the stars anywhere, no matter how hard you looked._

“ You’re wrong. And that's the exact reason I’m staying in Korea. I’m going to join the military. “ 

The room becomes suddenly quiet again, and Soobin could almost laugh at Yeonjung's reaction. Open eyes, with big lips that hang open as if he couldn’t believe what Soobin had said. 

“ You want to sell your soul like that? Die on the field and have your body burnt so badly that your father could barely recognize you? “ 

Soobin chuckles coldly, shrugging.

There’s no reason for him to join the military. He was smart enough to get away with some office job. Work until he was a manager. Support a company until he inevitably died. Or maybe he could write his days in solitude, prosing political ideals, and systems until his stomach caved in on him because no one wanted to buy his shitty books and it would only be found as a masterpiece in fifteen decades. And maybe it was good if he died and his father couldn’t recognize him. He wouldn’t have to know that his only son sold off his soul to a death wish only to get away from him and never have to see his face again. But then there was mom, and Kai too. 

“ Wow, when did you become such a philosopher. That was pretty morose the way you described it. Melancholy and whatever the American poets use to describe any tragedy that happens around them as long as it was one of their trading partners. “ Soobin tries to joke, offering Yeonjun a half-assed smile. 

Yeonjun doesn't smile back.

“ What happened to you Soobin? “ Yeonjun whispers, his heart on his sleeve as he stares into Soobin's hopeless ones. 

It was a collateral build-up of events, Soobin wants to say. He also wants to say it wasn’t anyone’s fault and it was simply the universe's path for him and if that meant dying in the middle of the field, memories of boys he held close to his heart, then so be it, but with the way Yeonjun looks at him as if he was a lost child hiding behind his mother's legs, he finds himself quiet. He is always so quiet. Quiet too much. 

“ Let’s finish eating. “ Soobin says, cutting his fork into the pastry and putting it into his mouth. It tasted bland and cold, no longer warm from the oven. He’s really thankful for Yeonjun for being careful and caring and kind too because he let’s go of the topic as easily as it comes and begins to ramble off about the freshman on his dance team. He wishes he could write down all the things Yeonjun describes. Turn it into a beautiful column, smack on the second page of the newspaper for everyone to see, but he’s a soon to be an army man and he’s pretty sure knowing how to paint with a typewriter won't exactly lead to his survival. 

The pair leave the cafe stuffed, Yeonjun tipping the waitress before joining Soobin outside who had waited at the front entrance. The two are almost identical with how their hands are shoved into their pockets, both exhaling into the chilly air, grey clouds of smoke appearing right before their eyes. 

“ Want to go into the candy store? “ Soobin mentions, laughing under his breath as Yeonjun jumps by his side, staring up at him in what looked to be a mix between terror and uncertainty. 

“ No… But I mean… it’s right there so might as well… “

Soobin shakes his head. Yeah, he totally wanted to go. He’s certainly trying to convince Soobin more than himself. That’s exactly what's happening. 

“ Hey! It’s not like I wanted to go, you just suggested it first so as a good friend I think I will attend as well! That’s exactly what I’m doing! “

If Soobin scoffs, it goes unnoticed because they are already crossing the street in what is definitely not a crosswalk, but cars are hard to come by in this part of town so Yeonjun is safe from his scolding for today. 

The exterior is a nice fancy beige with rabbits decorating the sills of the front windows. Candies and chocolates with pretty ribbons stacked in pyramids while plush animals surround the deserts only entice the boys. Yeonjun is first to rip into the store, a golden bell chiming as the door swings open and the pair clamber in, greeted with a lukewarm blast just enough to be comfortable without melting the delicacies. At the counter is a small male, bangs pinned to the side with a red clip. 

“ Welcome to Choi maiden shop, sweets, and plushies! I can expect you’re looking for a gift for a loved one? Perhaps for the holidays? “ The boy chimes, ushering to the array of stuffed animals and chocolates. Yeonjun and Soobin exchange a glance because this was definitely not the shop they expected it to be. 

Soobin clears his throat, “ Um, yes excuse me. My...girlfriend… “ Soobin hesitates. 

What type of gifts do you give around this time of year again? He wouldn’t know. He never had a girlfriend. His eyes sift throat the store anxiously, contemplating his options before he settles on the array of animals, fluffy and soft. A toy, that's right, the safe option. 

“ My girlfriend… She really adores bunnies. I would-- Like something resembling that. “ Soobin  drifts off. 

Soobin should become an actor with how easily solemn he could become. He supposes it's the little things that always mean the most as he approaches a particular stuffed animal, white and round, like a rice ball. Tiny ears stick up from the top and its eyes are stitched into the material instead of beads. He likes it better this way. 

“ Ah, I see! That’s a great option, sir! Girls never fail to forget stuffed animals, for they are very memorable indeed. My name is Yang Jeongin by the way so please refer to me if you are ever interested in our various selections! “ Soobin hums, patting the head of the rabbit with the pads of his fingers.

Jeongin, the worker of the store then turns to Yeonjun, expecting an answer from him. 

“ Um.. uh… chocolate actually... My uh… Girlfriend easily loses things so I think she would enjoy uh, um… chocolate “ 

If Soobin wasn’t so entranced with the bunny, he would snicker at how awkward and panicked Yeonjun seemed. So out of usual. So out of norm. He wishes he could make others laugh and giggle just by being out of character. Instead, he makes them worried, sad, disappointed. 

“ Oh I see, actually I am not an expert in this selection so please allow me to get my coworker from the back, Choi Beomgyu. “

Soobin clicks his tongue. Another Choi. Another Choi to compare himself to. Another Choi who is probably leading an 80% better life than his own. 

Yeonjun nods absentmindedly. Soobin feels a bit guilty for dragging him in. Dream Boy isn't here. Not with his leather jacket, or his navy combat boots that strapped around his ankles, or his stubbed cigarette probably smudged at the bottom of his boot, dirty, nasty, and carcinogenic.

Until he was

From the back door emerges a boy, smaller than the both of them, hair over his eyes with a demeaning glare that makes its way towards Yeonjun. Poor, unsuspecting Yeonjun who looks smitten at the gremlin in front of him. Soobin etches his lip in superficial annoyance because if ordinary Yeonjun wasn't bothersome enough, he is sure lovesick Yeonjun is even worse. 

" H-Hello, I uhm " Yeonjun stammers, blinking feverishly at the boy that had stomped his little feet up to Yeonjun and offered him a deadpanned head tilt. Soobin turned his back towards the two, sparing Yeonjun the mercy of watching him fumble over his words. 

The universe had a weird way of working. It took situations, handcrafted them as if they were clay, and dropped it on god's unsuspecting children to test their worth of a human, and his friend over there talking to the fake delinquent boy who could barely handle a cigarette on the other side of the store, was one hell of a situation. 

Now Soobin was never one to eavesdrop but he wasn’t a saint either, so he continues to stroke the rabbit as he listens in to the conversation, The worker, Jeongin, hovering around him in case he had any questions. 

" You're the one interested in chocolates correct? " 

" Yeah... "

" Well, what chocolates does your girlfriend like? " 

" I uhm... I don't have a girlfriend... " 

Soobin twitched. If mentally slapping someone across an ocean was possible, Yeonjun would be in the arctic, splashing around with the belugas. Or drowning. Hopefully drowning. 

" Haaa? Then why the fuck are you here? Who the hell is it for? " The worker sneered, looking down at the taller. 

Was that possible? Maybe because one glance over his shoulder had him experiencing Yeonjun shrink in on himself. 

Soobin could sense the worker beside him mentally panic, arms wavering as if the subtle warning would reach the minion. 

" Yah! I'm older than you! You should respect me! What type of worker are you? "

ah, they were going to fight in the store. 

" Aye Fuck you! That's who I am! "

" That doesn't even make sense! "

" Yeah?! Well so does ordering deluxe chocolates for no one! " 

" What if they were for me?! " 

" Then that's just weird and sad you fucking neet! "

"I"m not a neet you asshole! You're the boy working in a chocolate shop! " 

" And so what if I am? " 

" That's!- "

" excuse me, can I buy this? " 

The three men in the store turn to Soobin, a large bunny embraced in his long arms. Beige, with pink ribbons tied at its droopy ears. Jeongin was the first to speak up,

" Uh- Beomgyu, could you please check out this customer, I'll further help with the chocolates... "

" Ah, but you don't know shit about chocolates... " Beomgyu murmured back in retaliation, already slipping behind the counter to reset the register. 

" Yea, and you don't know shit about customer etiquette " Jeongin teased back, guiding Yeonjun away from the middle of the store and to a row of glass containers, candies, and chocolates filled to the brim. 

For a moment, Soobin was terrified at the idea of another outburst to erupt but Beomgyu chuckled quietly, tapping away at the register and accepting Soobin's offered change card. 

Yeonjun ended up buying a small box of strawberry and citrus-infused milk chocolate. He handed it over to Soobin, who he knew preferred the sweeter things in life. 

Soobin arrived back home with a rabbit in one hand and a delicate box of sweets in the other. He places the chocolates in the fridge, open for anyone to help themselves, though he knows the offer is pointless. His mother rarely leaves her room, only to cook and clean from time to time and his father was never one for sweets. He had an older hyung but he had long left the family, the age gap too wide to form any actual connections. He's better off telling everyone he was born as an only child. He steps out of the kitchen and back down the long corridor.

" Mom? " Soobin called out, approaching the furthest bedroom door at the end of the hall. 

" Mom? " he called again. 

His knuckles rapped gently at the thin door, he sighed before walking in. The room had gone cold over the past few months, but it seemed his mother didn't mind as she continued to sew under streams the street lights outside of their home had to offer. 

" Mau Mau... " Soobin whispered, afraid that if he raised his voice any higher, his mother would crumble into a fine dust. The middle-aged woman halted her craft, looking up at her son with a worn-down smile. 

" Soobinnie, you're here my son... What's wrong? " 

Soobin tethered on the balls of his feet, awkward. It was strange to feel awkward in front of his mother, one of the only women he had trusted in his feeble life. 

" I saw this when I went out earlier. For you Mau Mau... " Soobin whispers, clambering over to his seated mother. He gently lays the fluffy toy in his mother's grasp, kneeling to the ground so he was now looking up at the woman. 

His mother cracked into a smile, running her fingers through the bunny's hair, similar to how he had done. 

" Soobinnie, you got this for me? Thank you, it's very lovely and soft... and... " His mother trailed, her words fading like her youth. 

When she looked down at her son, she cooed. 

Soobin had his head buried into his mother's lap, his chest heaving as he let out pitiful sobs. Sad sobs. Tired sobs. Soobin spent his whole life building himself a world and future, stacking it with legos of various colors, but Soobin as a child was naive. He had failed to realize that one day he would have to carry that world on his shoulders and live his days as if there was nothing there at all. 

" My Soobin, why do you cry my son? " The woman said, voice stable and strong as if she had thrown away her mask in sacrifice e of comforting her son. 

" Mau Mau, " Soobin choked, only crying louder into the cotton skirt. He missed his mom. Missed how she bumbled from room to room, the sun bouncing with her every step. He misses how his dad and she danced around in the living room as he scribbled prose and poems based on their love. 

" My son is so admirable you know. He works so hard all by himself. He takes care of himself, he's kind to others, he's so very studious, and he's very self-conscious. " A light hand began to rub Soobin's back. It had been so long since he had been a child, but in his mother's embrace, he was simply a toddler, scared of the world and the people around him and growing up. 

" I love you mom, please- please know that no matter what I do I'll always love you the most " 

" You don't have to tell me that silly. No amount of presents will make me as happy as you do. " 

" --I'll always be on your side no matter what you do, or who you are. " 

Ah but mom, I don’t know who I am, And I’ll spend an eternity figuring it out who can remind me.

_ ‘ Mom, I want to go to the army. I want to escape. I want to fall in love. I want to come home and collapse into the embrace of someone who knows me inside and out, someone who has taken generations and eons to know me and figure every little thing about me so they can tell me who I am and what I mean to this world. I want someone who’ll love me for eternity and will never judge me despite how stupid I could be. I want to talk to this strange boy I met in my class, and I want to know who this boy is. I want to know if this boy can supply me with a happiness I’ve never known. I think that would be nice. ‘ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! How are you guys? First things first, I wanted to apologize for the way Id described Hawaiians in Soobin's flashback. I in no way believe in that as I am Hawaiin myself, born on the island of Hilo! But that still doesn't excuse anyone to bash on the magnificent island I know as home.
> 
> also, mau mau is the Chinese pronunciation for mama! I just added it because I thought it was cute ;; 
> 
> With that out of the way, I want to apologize for such a late update, I had been stuck on the idea of how I wanted this book to end and If I'm focusing too much on Soobin as a character and not enough on Soobin and Kai's relationship, but I wanted to make it clear what type of person Soobin was, and what he truly needed as a person. Of course, Kai has to offer these and of course, Kai already knows what type of person Soobin is which is important for the upcoming chapter. I've been having trouble with pacing as well. I'm not sure if I wanted all of it to happen together but I know certainly that Soobin and Kai will not be getting together in Highschool. In their last life, Soobin and Kai grew up as childhood friends so it is only to be expected that their love wasn't sudden but grew as they matured. This time, instead of love between kids to teenagers, its a love between teenagers to adults. Despite this, I hope you enjoy this chapter. You can be expecting more Sookai moments out of weekends, when they go to school. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.


	5. one step closer to knowing you well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back! I'm sorry, I took a long leave. I had 0 motivation for this shitty chapter and honestly, I'm still not satisfied with it but I hope my writing isn't too confusing for your poor minds and you can get thru it LOL. It's unedited because depression is just telling me to spit it out LOOOOL but go ahead and read it.

Soobin wondered plenty through the weekend on how’d it’d feel. Returning to school, sitting in his seat, all with knowing that he had breakfast with a boy who he barely knew and his family who he had known longer.

Turns out, things don’t really change much. Life goes on, and Soobin and Kai were far enough from each other in class to where conversation was barely anything above glances and awkward smiles.

They coexisted in the same room, terribly aware of one another's presence, yet unwilling to make a move. Soobin silently apologized to the imagination figment of Kai that he had conjured up in his mind. He was a bit cowardly about the situation, not exactly knowing what he would have said if he had taken the leap and approached the other first.

Soobin buried his head into his arms as the homeroom teacher concluded the morning announcements. Something about baseball again and the front line of Korea’s military. He should be paying attention, considering the promise he had made to himself, but he can’t bring himself to listen. His mind had long begun buzzing out his surroundings and his eyes drooped. close. A little nap. That’s all he would need, which is honestly a lie told by all students because more often than not, naps turn into rests, and those rests turn into drool filled hibernations that ended with random marks ingrained into his cheek.

Soobin had fallen asleep in that exact position, oblivious to the world and the pair of eyes that lingered on him.

When Soobin wakes up, the classroom is empty again. Which probably wasn’t good because he could have sworn he had only closed his eyes for a moment. His first mistake but never his last. Soobin curses, blinking his eyes blearily at the rows of empty seats,

“ Ah, fuck- did class end? “ He mumbled, suppressing a yawn.

Did he actually sleep through the entire school day? How much Could he have possibly missed? And why hadn't a teacher woken him up? Wasn't that a bit too cruel?

A long anxiety ridden checklist began to piece itself together in the depths of his mind, unchecked boxes falling like ladders in which Soobin stressed about in a silenced pain.

Soobin groaned, blatantly delirious by his circumstance. “ Why hadn’t Yeonjun woke me up? “ He had been left to think, severely betrayed with his best friend's negligence. But that didn't seem right. As much as Soobin wanted to assume, Yeonjun wouldn't have just left him like that. So why?

“ You look terrible. “ A warm voice stated.

Soobin snapped his head to the seat in front of him. The scene felt familiar, except it wasn’t, because in front of him wasn’t Yeonjun, but Huening Kai.

“ K-Kai? “ Soobin muttered, losing his gaze in the other boy's eyes.

Kai smiled back, nodding his head and confirming and even giving him a little wave.

“ This… “ Soobin gazed around the room once again, questioning his reality. Things had oddly felt familiar. An empty classroom, warm light pouring in, and his mind disoriented, working hard to disassemble the reals from the fakes.

“ This is a dream, right? Why are you here? “ Soobin questioned dumbly, his confusion evident. Kai tapped his cheek absentmindedly, clearly enjoying the question marks that spun around Soobin's ruffled up hair.

“ I don’t know…” Kai answered back, nonchalant enough to the point where Soobin had begun questioning himself once again.

“ Wh-what? " Soobin exclaimed, " Another one? Another dream? “

Kai raised an eyebrow.

“ You really think this is a dream? “ Kai grinned.

Soobin nodded his head slowly, eyebrows etched downwards. What else was he supposed to think? If you were in his shoes you would clearly think the same.

“ Soobin what are you talking about? “

“ No what are YOU talking about? “ Soobin pouted back, more hesitant at possible dream Kai’s reactions.

“ I'm playing with you dummy. It’s not a dream, we’re at school, and fortunately for you, I'm the real Kai. “

Soobin basked in the silence that engulfed both of them. The empty classroom echoed words, and the winter sun bled through the school windows.

“ Fortunate huh? “ Soobin whispered, turning his head to the left only to look out the window. The Senior classroom was on the top floor of their school. A grand view of tall baseball fences and long turfs of field meant for the rugby and soccer team just below. And Soobin could see it all from his seat.

“ We had P.E. today. Everyones outside. “

Soobin was thankful for the information, explaining the masses of students on the fields.

“ I carry a bit of burden y'know. I kinda wish you could remember a few things too. “ Kai said, scrunching his eyebrows.

“ What do you mean by that?" Soobin questioned, looking back at Kai, "I... I didn’t know that you felt burdened talking to me.. “

Kai tapped his fingers against the hardwood desk, swaying his head from left to right.

“ I didn’t mean it like that. “

“ What? Then what did you mean by that? “ Soobin prompted, confused with what Kai was trying to lead to.

Everything Kai said was put into prose. Long confusing English prose’s that had long twiddling meanings. They were what made Kai so interesting, he supposes, but on days where he just wanted straight answers, loops like these were only frustrating.

Kai leaned onto Soobin’s desk, his head tilted and laying in his palm, staring through Soobin with that stupid little side smirk that had him second-guessing if this was truly another bizarre dream.

“What did I mean Soobin?" Kai trailed on, " Could you figure that out? “

Soobin would have been more frustrated with that type of answer if it wasn't for the fact that he was mesmerized with the way Kai had cooed his name. he could listen to it for hours on end.

Instead of that, Soobin gulped, his tongue heavy in his mouth--which seemed to be a common theme whenever he was around the younger. His fingers began to thrum against the tops of his desk, copying Kai, and the seconds ticked by slowly. He was grateful someone like Kai understood his silence. Understood that some people would rather think before they spoke, because honestly, what could he say to something like that? And would he willingly argue with a man that looked 5 seconds away from risking it all?

Maybe he wanted Kai to risk it. Just to see what would happen.

“ No… I don’t know anymore. “ Soobin admitted quietly, feeling a bit foolish for thinking anything would advance past that. Even more ashamed for wanting something to pass that.

Soobin turned his head to stare out the window once more.

Kai’s gaze was suffocating.

When he looked at him, he often felt choked up.

When Kai looked back at him, he felt muted.

when he sensed that the shorter was admiring him as he looked elsewhere, he felt as if his heart would simply collapse.

And his heart was a crack away from doing so

“ You’re so weird. “ Kai giggled, scooting his, or Yeonjuns, chair around so it faced Soobins desk.

Great, just an easier opportunity for Kai to bore his brown eyes into him, he thought bitterly.

“ Why aren’t you outside with them? “ Soobin mumbled.

Which was a good point, because what was Kai doing inside with him?

Kai looked around the room as if he didn’t know the answer himself.

“ well, I didn’t want you to be alone and confused. “ He counters.

“ I wouldn’t have been. I would’ve figured it out eventually. “

Kai smiled. That same fucking smile that makes Soobin want to rip his already thinning strands of hair from out of his head.

“ Does it matter? “

“ no, I guess not. “

“ Are you upset that I’m here? “ Kai asked immediately, all signs of mischievous wiped from his face.

Soobin sat back in his seat, contemplating it. He hadn’t. He knew no one else would have done this for him. Maybe Yeonjun, but things wouldn’t have been as serene as they were currently.

“ Do you want to go outside? “ Kai whispered.

Again it was that silent understanding that Kai had. The acceptance that not everything he asked could be answered.

Soobin nods his head, feeling slightly apologetic that he wasn’t able to reassure the other. He didn’t want to give the boy the wrong idea but a question like that held some underlying depth, He was too sure of it.

Soobin reached inside his desk to shuffle around, bringing out an analog clock watch and holding it up to the light.

“ class only started 8 minutes ago. We might as well. “

“ right. “

The affirmation had lost all the confidence that usually came with it. Soobin could only grace him by avoiding eye contact.

Kai pushed his chair back first, standing up and walking to the back of the classroom to retrieve his athletic clothing.

It was usual for the class to change together, boys laughing and shouting with bare chests and dirty uniforms as the girls were quick to run out, disgusted by their animalistic behavior. Animals were a good description of teenage boys. Ravenous and hyper and territorial with the need to devour anything weaker than them. Soobin had wondered just how long Kai would survive with his smooth skin and his fluffy hair that never frizzed for some odd reason. How had he even survived? He was quiet, indecisive, insecure.

Soobin follows Kai’s lead, taking out his own bundle of clothes. A cotton shirt and red track pants along with a thin jacket to match. The sleeves of the jacket were too short for him, riding up above his wrist bones. It was the largest size as well, leaving him uncomfortable as wind snuck up through his arms and surrounded his body's ventilation. He placed the heap of clothes onto his table before reaching for the top button of his shirt.

In the midst of his undressing, Soobin glanced over his left shoulder, catching a full view of Kai. Unfortunately, it didn’t end at a simple glimpse as naked pale skin met his gaze. Kai was halfway through putting on the PE shirt, his school pants discarded somewhere on the floor leaving him in grey boxers and an exposed stomach.

It was painful.

the way his eyes raked over thin arms that struggled to pull down the clothing that had caught itself over the boys head. Soobin continued his exploration, his eyes trailing down, down, and down. Down pass a flat stomach and a belly button that dipped into Kai’s skin. Down over curves that moved inwards, accentuating his narrow waist. Down pass hips that protruded from the boxers, filling them out. Down past thin thighs, a slim gap between them as they ran out into long legs with socks that reached up to the boy's ankles.

Soobin gulped, his eyes beginning to sting with how long he had kept them open--Mostly afraid that if he blinked, he’d miss a sinful image of the others' partially naked body.

Fuck. Kai was beautiful.

Breathtaking.

He could have lived a peaceful life without knowing this painful truth but the universe hated him--and now, even when he forced himself to snap his head forward, and hurriedly pull on his own uniform, the thought of thin legs wrapped around his mind.

Soobin was not a sexual guy. Between the lines of school, family, self-sabotage, and his own incompetence, there had been no room to lust over others. Admittedly, he had tried. He had been caught multiple times by Yeonjun in misunderstanding. He had tried to egg himself on, to imagine bending beautiful tall women over tables, with his 'PRIVATE PART' buried in them, or perhaps thought of scenarios where he could have a school classmate between his legs, but they were all rash and forced. No scene of his could replicate the immense adrenaline he had felt whilst he enamored over the thin and pale boy’s body.

Behind all of that, a heart wrenching, stomach squeezing gag had erupted from him, Soobin gulping and choking the sound down before it could be heard by the other.

“ ready? “ a giddy voice called from behind.

No, Soobin was absolutely not ready. Not ready to face the boy he had just ogled. Not ready to admit he had just ogled a boy. Not ready to admit he was a normal hormonal teenager who could even feel like that.

Again, self-sabotage was a well-practiced hobby of his.

“ Y-yea almost… “ Soobin ended up replying, cringing at the waver in his voice.

Soobin grabbed his ball of discarded clothing, shoving it back into his bag before moving towards the sliding door, refusing to make eye contact with the other.

He could hear Kai’s steps fall in sync with his as he opened the door for the other, Kai gazing up at him with an appreciative smile that had Soobin screaming inside. He didn’t deserve to be smiled at. Such an oblivious and naive smile.

As much punishment he felt he needed, he would never wish for Kai to stop smiling at him like that. That was a different level of torture.

\--

They arrive at the soccer field, the trip almost completely silent besides the few times Kai had bumped into him. It caused sparks to jolt up his arms and a chaotic string of apologies. It was a comfortable silence, and his arm seemed to tingle as it drew out.

When they do pass the metal wired gates, encasing the flourishing and well-groomed fields, Soobin is far from surprised with what he is greeted with.

Teens ran around in the expansive area, a ball shooting between various boys in the middle of it. At some point, Soobin could even spot Yeonjun diving into the soccer net, a wave of cheers and applause from the few girls that sat on the sidelines, making the score evident. Soobin wasn‘t heartless. That was a fact. He experienced extreme joy as well--which would probably explain the big smile that had erupted on his face, copying Yeonjun’s own cheer until he felt a finger digging into the side of his cheek. He turned his head to meet an equally wide grin, coming from the boy that had for some reason, not bothered to move away now that they had arrived.

“ your smile. It’s like a baby. “ Kai said, removing his finger.

“ There is almost nothing good about babies. You trying to tell me something?. “ Soobin shot back, his voice condescending but his smile said otherwise.

“ Babies are the cutest little shits in the world! But hey if you want to make it an insult then be my guest, “ Kai responds coolly, challenging Soobins irked smiled with a grin that was made specifically for him. Something between genuine happiness and trouble

Soobin scoffed, rolling his eyes at the weak retaliation.

“ Yea, because calling them cute cancels out the fact you also called them a little shit. “

“ I was going to say you were cute as a baby, why can’t you ever let me have good things “ the smaller boy whined, shoving Soobin’s arm away.

He doesn't notice himself copying Kai’s giggly smile, too encaptured, too enamored to look away from him.

Pretty Kai in a white T-shirt and a tracksuit that hung off his shoulders. Pretty Kai with the brown hair that turns reddish under sunlight. Pretty Kai with straight lashes that fan over his cheek when he closes his eye to laugh...pretty Kai who--

“ You think I’m cute? “ Soobin mumbled, tucking his arms into himself.

Kai stalled, looking up at Soobin with such shiny round eyes.

“ Oh, yea I do. You have the smile of a baby, and that’s cute. “

How could he admit something like that? Did he feel no shame? Guys weren’t supposed to be cute but Kai made it feel like the most normal thing in the world.

“ Oh. “

Silence filled the gap between them. A nice silence, where the sun embodied itself into a person and stood proudly between the pair. It made Soobin's chest feel warm.

" Do you find that weird? "

" No. Why would it be? "

" Ah, because I'm a guy. "

Soobin hadn't given himself time to think about Kai's statement, his mouth already springing to life to defend the boy.

" There's no rule to being a boy Kai. You shouldn't be ashamed of how you act or the things you say. "

and just like that, things were warm and stuffy.

“ I like babies then… I want a baby when I grow up. “ Kai whispered. Clouds had begun to fill in the depths of Kai’s dark eyes. Big fluffy clouds that drifted along whilst Kai whispered his little secrets.

Soobin licked his bottom lip, nodding along because it did sound like something Kai would like. He was the type of guy you’d expect to be a family man. He would've been a great dad.

“ You’d be a great dad. “ Soobin admitted.

“ Yeah? You think so? “ Kai answered, a bit more enthusiastically than he had expected. When he looked back down at Kai, only to be greeted with him smiling--stars replacing fluffy pretty clouds--he couldn’t bare to tell the poor boy else wise.

“ I want to be. I was never good at anything so the least I could do would be to be a good family man. Get a boring business job, sure, I can swallow that if that's what it takes to be happy at home. “

Even as his classmates screeched and yelled around him, he could only focus on Kai. 

His mind was at heavy work storing the tiny details.

A different part of his brain, filled to the brim with gears, was rimming at him to protest. To shout that Kai was good at many things, and being the perfect husband would be almost effortless to him. He was a caring, kind, patient, and empathetic person. He knew when to joke, and knew how to, always adjusting to the person he was with.

Soobin was jealous of that. Jealous of someone so lovable.

“ I know you would be a really great parent. I don't think I would be. I didn't think that far yet. “

“ Well, it’s ok if you haven’t. The only reason I know what I want is that I didn’t have a good dad. I think it's children's jobs to be everything their parents weren’t. “ Kai continued, no longer looking in Soobin’s direction, but out into the field.

He looked distant as if he had thought about this type of thing for a while. Maybe that’s why he sounded so self-assured with his decision, Soobin concluded.

Soobin hummed. He had wished he was a bit more like Kai. Strong enough to accept other mishaps, and to use it to become better. He could never be like that, Soobin thought bitterly. He only knew how to run from his problems.

“ I think you're the type of person to succeed at anything you put your mind to though. “

_ He was not. _

“ If anyone can win, it would be you Soobin. “

_ Why? _

“ You’d never give up on something if it felt right. “ Kai finished, a pinkish glow blooming on the apples of his cheeks.

Soobin was sure that he was matching, flustered, and embarrassed with how proudly Kai had thought of him. He wondered what he must have done in his previous life to meet a guy like that.

“ You think so? “ Soobin whispered back, his voice wavering with the winds.

“ I know so. “

“ You always act as you know me. “

“ But am I wrong? “

Soobin shifted on his feet, thinking for a moment. “ That’d be immensely condescending If I agreed with that statement. “

Kai frowned playfull, “ as If I’d judge you for something like that. “

Soobin exhaled a laugh, “ Of course you wouldn’t, you like everything about me don't you?”

Kai clicked his tongue,“ I wouldn’t say everything. “

“ Fine. Name something you don’t like. “

“ You’re oblivious. “

“ How so? “ Soobin testified.

Kai ignored him.

“ And you think too much. “

Soobin raises an offended eyebrow, the side of his mouth drooping against it.

Now that was just a bit unfair. He couldn’t even think for a moment where he would have shown something like that.

“ You also can’t take a hint. “

“ Isn’t that the same thing as oblivious? “ Soobin interrupted, dreading whatever else Kai could potentially add.

Kai smirked, looking at Soobin out of the side of his eyes.

“ Are you mad? “

“ Ok well, now you’re just avoiding my questions. “

“ Answering you was not part of the deal! Like at all! “ Kai states, turning his head upwards.

" What deal?! Since when did conversing include deals?! Is that how you people talk in America? "

Soobin erupted into chuckles. Loud, stomach curling gurgles of laughter because Kai's banter was just something so enjoyable. It wasn't too mean, or too sensitive. Just enough to rile him up. To make him feel a little bit more alive.

“ but no, to answer your question, I'm not that childish to where I would get mad over something like that. “

“ yes you are, don’t lie. “ Kai retorted.

“ God, I can’t believe this is the most we’ve spoken since I came over, and the first thing you do is decide to patronize me “ Soobin groaned.

It was Kai’s turn to erupt into giggles, his hands clapping together and the heels of his Nike shoes lifting off the ground. Soobin never noticed it before but Kai likes to stand on his toes when he laughs. Close to jumping but not quite there. He finds it endearing. Really really endearing.

Suddenly, a heavy hand slammed down between his shoulder blades, eliciting a shriveled cry from him.

“ ACK “ Soobin yelped, flying forward. He stumbled to his feet as Kai developed an even louder laughing fit, his hand falling on Soobin’s shoulder as support for his crumbling frame.

“ Yeonjun you ass! “ Soobin whines, rubbing his back as he stares at the shit-eating grin Yeonjun held.

“ Heyo! When did you wake up? “

Soobin rolled his eyes. How dare he immediately question him when he was the one to leave him there in the first place?

“ Late, no thanks to you. Kai had to stay behind for me. “

Yeonjun clicked his tongue, “ be grateful that I hadn’t dragged World-Wide with me. You wouldn’t even be here without me! “

“ Worldwide? “

Soobin glanced down at Kai, receiving a shrug.

“ Found out I wasn’t raised solely in America. I'm from China too. “ Kai answered boredly, now leaning into Soobin’s side. Soobin hadn't even realized the other had shuffled over to his side. If it was Yeonjun, he would have easily shoved him off but because it was Kai, he had taken the liberty to still himself.

“ Huh. Could’ve learned that sooner. “

“ You would’ve if you asked~ “

“ As if I’d even known to ask you something like that “ Soobin argued back, poking Kai’s forehead with an offending finger. Kai giggled under his touch, patting his butt.

In front of him, the couple could hear Yeonjuns retches, a nasty pink tongue sticking out at them. Soobin swears that if the guy wasn’t older by a few months, he woulda flicked the organ back in place.

“ When did you guys get so close, it's fuckin gross mannn “ the fox groaned.

“ Don’t know. When did you become so annoying? “

Yeonjun gasps, his hand over his heart which is most unrealistic. If Soobin had the chance, he would have pierced through the stomach so the boy wouldn’t be able to eat anymore.

“ Is that any way to talk to me?! “

“ iS thAt aNyWaY tO tAlK tO mE “ Soobin mocked. He can feel slight rumbles from the side of his arm, Kai snickering at the most dramatic shift of expression Yeonjun has shown yet,

“ Choi Soobin I am going to kick your ass! “

At that, Soobin turns on his heels, racing down the long green field as a small lithe fox is on his trail. He completely forgets about the little penguin he had left behind, leaving him to watch the scene admiringly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kai likes babies. This will be important for the future. Kai liking babies is very soft energy. I am soft. and it is winter. and I want to see KAI WITH BABIES!!!! MNET MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!! also a lot of dialogue. not much actually uh Soobin brain but good enough right??????? : DDDD


End file.
